No Celery Please

Leaving for LA today. Whew. I am glad to be leaving Las Vegas. I understand the spectacle of it and all, but my goodness, what a place.

I will be checking into the LA hotel tonight and immediately heading for the (free!) gym to try and work off all the Las Vegas food I ate.

I Sooooooooo cannot wait to be home.

Oh, and all the fuss I made about watching House?

Yeah, well, I stayed in with every intention of watching it… and passed out in the middle of Bones – woke up at 3 am with no idea what happened and no House

Get to go home tomorrow!

Whew. So I survived the first “free booze fest” that will be this trip to Las Vegas.

It is now Midnight.

The party started at 7. I had 5 screwdrivers. Well, OK, I also had a couple of sips out of two others that were kind of foisted on me by the kindly (well, they were trying to be kindly) vendors who like to sell my company stuff and think that feeding the employees drinks is a good way to go about it. (and, let’s be frank, spending money on the client is an excellent way to go about selling things)

So, the convention party was 7 pm to 10 pm. That was four drinks… and a couple of sips out of one that I decided it would be best to not partake of. I was on the verge of getting totally trashed… I might have. But. Uuuum… drinking does things to people. And, some words were had between some others in the party. nothing to really do any damage or anything horrible. But… enough to remind me that, hey, this, despite the free-flowing alcohol at every turn, is still a work dealy, and I think that I had better maintain significant control.

OK, so, that “might have got trashed” comment isn’t 100% true. I loathe the hangovers so much that I simply cannot do the trashing anymore. But. If I had had the drinks I probably would have, I would have been significantly giggly and silly, and, really, does anyone need that? After drink 2, I was liberally drinking bottled water along with the screwdrivers. I know… the standard “Vegas” story is all about… “We were sooooo trashed” but that may be one of the reasons I do not belong here.

ANYWAY…. After the convention party, which was quite nice, and had good food and free booze and “The Rat Pack” (Dean Martin was the only one that actually kind of looked like he should, but the singing was great). After the party, we went to “New York New York” that has a bar with “Deuling Pianos” (I apologize for all the quotes and parentheses, but I am a little wee bit drunk).

So the Deuling Pianos were FABULOUS!!!! But the vendors were there. I had pretty much sobered up on the ride over to NY NY… not so I could drive or anything, but certainly well out of the territory you might call “drunk”. The vendors came over with another drink. I was halfway through that one, and received another one. Good lord, people!

So… the only sensible thing to do clearly was to chug the one I had so I only had one drink in my hand, I mean, come on!!! But, the deuling pianos show had brought out the auxillliary electric guitar. and, well, they played two ROCKIN Guns N Roses songs. And, things being what they are, me hanging out with the wife of one of my co-workers, who had had at least 7 drinks at the original party, and was still well supplied by the aforementions vendors, well, yes, there was headbanging involed. After two songs of that, I was suddenly vaguely naseous and didn’t want any more screwdrivers (the orange juice actually more what I couldn’t take any more of than the vodka).

Handily, at this point, the coworker associated with said wife decided that it was time to go unless we all really and truly wanted to get trashed in a totally work-inappropriate way. They asked if I wanted to go with them, and I, feeling like this was the saving I was looking for, dropped that second (seventh) drink on the bar barely touched and bolted the place (this would be the second one I barely sipped out of.. total served in 5 hours = 7, actually imbibed = 5). I could have enjoyed the music further, but frankly, I really didn’t want the hangover or the crazy that would have ensued if I had stayed. I am pretty sure that all worked out for the best. It’s an hour since I left. I would actually put money down that the folks who stayed are still there and that they will be in a VERY BAD WAY tomorrow.

So anyway, why this long-assed post? The significant water I had with the first four drinks was a good thing. So, now I am staying up for a while to put away enough water to combat that last one. I had one glass of water so far. I think a second glass and I wil be officially fine. (See, no quotes on the “fine” – so I must be almost sober

The point that I was originally going to make is this: Even though I am not scared of Las Vegas anymore… it turns out that the hairdresser convention really was the reason for the horrifying introduction to the city… I simply am not someone who “belongs” here.

I have given $10 to the casino in playing video blackjack. I a pretty sure that I am not ever going to be able to put a real bet on anything… I like the money that I am certain of in my pocket too much to wager it.

I am really looking way more forward to watching “House” tomorrow night than whatever it is that the vendors would be trying to get us to do (right now, looking like some kind of Cirque Du Soleil thing (no, still rather watch “House” (those quotes are permissible because it is the name of a show).

Anyone who would rather go back to the hotel room and watch TV than do whatever the hell it is all these people do in this place, clearly does not belong here.

If you have made it through this entire long and rambling post, I salute you. Frankly, I do hope you skimmed. If it weren’t for the fact that I wrote it, I certainly wouldn’t have read this whole blasted account that basically boils down to…

I had some drinks.

Enough to get somewhat drunkified or buzzy, but not enough to get in any ways out of control or anything.

I do not belong in Las Vegas.

It is now 12:30. I have had my 2 glasses of water. I think the net effect of tonight may be that I will wake up tomorrow at 6am PACIFIC time, rather than the 6am EASTERN time that I woke up this morning

Blah Blah Blah.. Time to stop now.

OK. I have traveled.

I have been to a lot of cities.

I have lived in London.

I have visited New York, Rome, Berlin, Bangkok, even freakin‘ Hong Kong.

Never in my life have I been so intimidated by a city as I have been the last few hours in Las Vegas.

First – This Mandalay Bay place is HUGE. HUGE. I can’t emphasize the hugeness of this hotel.

It’s a damn good thing the hotel is huge, because I found out that “the Gym at Mandalay Bay” – yes, it’s called that – has an associated fee of $27 per day. now, I know, I’m on the company’s dime here, but even with someone else paying for it, I REFUSE to pay $27 every day just to use the elliptical machine. So instead I will get up and walk around this enormous hotel to get my exercise.

Second – Everyone here is fabulous. Seriously. All of the women are gorgeous and walk around in little black dresses with their boobs (mostly surgically enhanced) hanging out. they can all pull it off. They all look great in their tiny clothes. It’s exactly what LA would like people to think it is except that there are too fat and ugly people in LA – I’ve seen ‘em!

Third – The convention center here is doing a convention of hairdressers. This is adding to the fabulous quotient. Everyone’s hair is, of course, fabulous. It’s just too much.

Fourth – There are, like, 15 restaurants in this hotel. Almost all of them start at 25 and go up to over $100 entrees. Seriously? What food is worth $100??!

Fifth – Casino. Blinking. Flashing. Hue. Noisy. Crowded. Scary. I watched some blackjack, but I couldn’t bring myself to put the $10 minimum down to play… I would just lose it. I broke a $10 buying a tooth brush (did I mention I forgot to pack my toothbrush?) So I decided I would suck it up and go play something in the casino anyway. I played some video blackjack… first nickle, then quarter. I lost $2 on the nickel games, then, played for a while on the quarter games. I put $5 in that machine, lost for a while, then won for a while. Once I got back to $5, I cashed out. I tried the slot machines, but I really don’t understand them, and I just ended up wildly hitting buttons until my $5 was gone. At that point, I had pretty much exhausted my enjoyment of giving away my money, so I came back up to my room to hide.

And so I am hiding from Las Vegas.

I am willing to believe that maybe it’s just this hotel and all the freakin‘ hairdressers. Perhaps tomorrow when I am hanging around the security convention with a bunch of ex law enforcement folks, I’ll feel less like I shouldn’t be allowed in the city.

I’ll tell you this… If I ever come back to Las Vegas… I’ll be staying in a smaller hotel.

Now, where’s my room service?

So there will be travel. Lots of travel coming up.

When I first got into the world that is corporate america, I was so proud and excited to have to go on “business trips”.

My dad was gone a lot on trips when I was growing up. In my mind, that’s what being a grown-up and working was all about… by golly, I am so important, the company is paying for me to go some place and talk to some people there about the stuff I know!

Yeah, OK, so I’ve been in the business world for a number of years now… and now I know. Traveling for work is a giant ol’ pain in the patoot.

1 – you have to dress nicely while you are there, and so must pack your good clothes, that WILL come out of the bag wrinkled no matter what wacky packing method you choose, so you have to either hang them in the bathroom with the shower on full blast hot for 30 minutes and they will still look kind of dumpy, or just break down and iron them with the crappy hotel iron.

2 – you might think it would be fun to eat out for a couple of weeks straight… but let me tell you… it gets OLD. And if, like me, you have to keep a very very tight rein on the caloric intake, it’s pretty hard to go off on a trip and not come back without having added at least a couple of pounds to your butt. (Thank goodness for hotel gyms)

3 – I work with people that like to drink. They like to stay up late… “let’s go to the hotel bar for a drink”. There’s only a certain number of times you can beg off of this without looking like a non-team-player… so even though I have a limit on the number of drinks I will have (see above calorie issue – plus, I HATE hangovers) I still have to kind of hang around and act like staying up until midnight and then getting up the next morning at 5 so I can exercise off all the additional calories before the 9am meeting is EXACTLY what I want to do.

4 – I miss the SB. I miss the Boo. I miss my bed.

So – next week, Leave home for Las Vegas on Sunday afternoon. Monday – Thursday is a convention that I am going to go to with a number of folks from across the company. I have no idea how this is going to play out, but I hope that I at least learn something at the educational sessions… I just have a feeling that there’s going to be a lot of time spent in bars and casinos.

Thursday, fly from Las Vegas to LA – Meeting in LA all day friday – Red Eye home.

Saturday – land and nap… nap like nobodies business… did I mention I can’t sleep on planes?

Monday -Midwest meeting in Columbus, OH – 2 days.

Soooooo glad that the next meeting will be at home, so while I will have to participate in all the going out to dinner and crap, at least I’ll be in my own bed at night.

Then, the last trip is to Texas. another 2 dayer.

I plan to be tired.

I know I sound like a whiny baby, when most people I work with would be going YEAH – VEGAS, BABY!

But, work travel is not vacation. It’s work. Emails must still be answered, problems must still be solved.

One caveat… I WILL be skipping out on whatever dinners are planned Tuesday night. I don’t care how it makes me look… the Season premier of House is coming on and I am not missing it!

OK, I’ve been all tagged and whatnot by Miss Cravey (She’s in NC, so I have to call her “Miss”).

So here, in no particular order, are some of my rules for living.

I have been specifically told to leave off the celery one, which, apparently, is pretty obvious already.

1 – (stolen from Cravey) – Please do not touch me. Are you married to me? Are you related to me (fairly closely)? No? Then hands off. No, I do not need a hug… No, I do not need a pat on the back for a job well done. Nothing, thanks. I am fine. Got it? No Touchy.

2 – Please do not call me. I hate the phone. Just email me. It will get your point across without wasting valuable minutes with inane chatter about nothing.

3 – Please do not make a fuss. I detest fuss. I do not care that it is my birthday (unless you are the SB, and then I had better have a poem coming). I do not care if I have just passed a wonderfully significant anniversary. Do not sing to me. For the love of god… do not get a group together to sing to me. Please do not buy me a present unless we have known each other long enough for you to have become exempt from rule one. No Fuss! Among the many reasons that I will never have children is my absolute horror of the concept of “showers”. I had to have one for my wedding… I almost gnawed my arm off to escape.

4 – If you don’t know what a word means. If you don’t know how to pronounce a word. If you don’t know how to spell a word in written situations. DO NOT USE IT! It just makes you look like a dumbass, you know.

5 – I know that things happen to kids to make them cry. Heck, I even know that sometimes kids just decide to cry for no apparent reason. Sometimes, they like to screech and make loud noises. This is fine. For 2 to 3 minutes. Maybe 5. If you can’t pacify that kid within that time. Please take them somewhere else, I am trying to enjoy a meal here. I wouldn’t try to engage your kid in a discussion of current events or philosophy while they are hanging out a Chucky Cheese. I don’t need to hear them scream at an adult restaurant.

6 – When the lane is ending. Get in the damned line. If you drive by the entire line and get up to the front and turn on that turn signal. I WILL NOT LET YOU IN.

7 – Do not pet my dog without warning. I know she’s cute. She’s also skittish. Do not let your kid run up and pet my dog. I know she’s cute. She’s also afraid (with good reason) of tiny, dirty, pokey fingers. I do not want anyone to get bitten. Just don’t pet my dog without asking. Then, when I tell you she is afraid of people and doesn’t really like to be petted (she has a no touchy rule too), do not scoff and say that all dogs like you and try to pet her anyway.

8 – For the love of god… stop leaving food in the break room. It’s either torture to avoid it, or guilt for eating it.

9 -Please, oh please. Unlace your shoes before you get to the security checkpoint. Take your laptop out of your bag, take out your liquids bag (properly packed and sized) and put all your metal in the bowl. (No, I meant ALL your metal… yes, that thing too). We will all get through much faster. Thanks.

10 – Do NOT try to take the last bite of my dessert. You are more than welcome to a bite (a small bite) if half the original dessert is still on the plate. You are grudgingly welcome to a bite if 1/4 of the original dessert is still on the plate. Anything less than that? You try to take it and you’re coming back with a bloody stump. I’m just saying…

11 – If I am far enough away that I am going to have to hurry up or break into a little jog to get to the door you are so graciously holding. Please just let the damn thing go. I don’t need you t o hold the door, and now you are making me hurry, which is really just annoying. So now you have annoyed me by holding the door. Here’s my rule. If the door has time to shut before the next person gets to it, then you are not required to hold the door.

I have lots more rules, but it’s kind of hard to actually think of them until someone breaks one. Then – Lookout!

Seriously, I mean it, look out… you have to look hard too, because I avoid confrontation like the plague and will most likely just put up with whatever you are doing that pisses me off so much and push the anger down into a tight little ball inside.

You might get a little passive aggressive revenge (oh – were you running for that elevator?) if something you did was particularly heinous.

Mostly, I will just smile and act as if nothing is wrong. (Yes, I will, in fact even give you the last bite of dessert – but in my head I will be severing limbs!) I expect that I will explode when I am 40 or so and just completely go off on some poor schlub who makes a minor transgression at the wrong time.

Hmmm, now, normally I am not a tagger, but I surely would like to hear what Kaply and The Raspberry Queen have to say on this subject. Actually, I would like to hear from quite a few of my dear and loyal readers, but I think there’s some kind of rule about tagging too many people.

I love my MINI.

It’s the best car ever… really. Handling, performance, pep, cornering. Wonderful.

But every once in a while, I get tired of a $350 per month car payment.

Is it worth it?

Is being able to pull out into traffic and be almost immediately up to speed worth it?

Is the sheer adorableness worth it?

Would I ever want to go back to driving a “plain old” car?

I don’t know.

I can’t really imagine trading it in.

But sometimes, I sure could imagine paying a $200 per month car payment on a Yaris or something.

Oh, and, I almost forgot…

Arrrrrrr. And a happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day to you… ye scurvy dogs. Where’s me rum?!

The Panthers had their asses handed to them by Houston yesterday.

Nay… Not handed to them.

Presented to them. On a silver platter. With gift wrap. And.. the Texans even took the time to spit shine the ass for them prior to wrapping it up for the ceremonial presentation.

Sheesh.

Seriously… did you see that fumble / TD? That was just ridiculous.

Oh well, at least the Steelers won.

I was in Buffalo, NY the last few days for some business meetings.

You know those posters they put in airports to tell you how wonderful the city is and how you should come back over and over?

Well… the tag line for the Buffalo posters they had up was

“Buffalo?

Yes, Buffalo!”

The gist of all the material was… Buffalo: Not as crappy as you think it is

When even the tourism marketing company thinks a town sucks, it’s in bad shape.

I actually thought Buffalo was kind of charming. Of course, it’s September, and not covered in a foot of snow…

OK, blame Tiff for this.

Night before last, I woke up several times during the night trying to explain my plan for expanding the McDonalds brand in China.

Seriously, I had some great ideas. Charts. Graphs. Chinese Mcdonalds foods – Sesame Chicken McNuggets?

I cannot remember a single one of them now, but I am SURE my MBA training really kicked in and gave my dream McDonalds bosses some excellent ideas.

1) I don’t remember details of my dreams too much, and I think that’s a good thing for the most part, because, really, corporate presentations in your sleep? These things aren’t even interesting in real life.

2) As I was shifting from being asleep on the couch to the more permanent bed-sleeping that night, the CEO of McDonalds in China was on whatever show the SB was watching. At least I know why I was dreaming of corporate presentations.

With the New York Trip and all, I forgot to blog this, but it finally came in the mail… Proof!

Need to get a frame.

So nice to be done after all that work.