Oh... Oh My... Help!

September 24, 2007 · Filed under Uncategorized

OK. I have traveled.

I have been to a lot of cities.

I have lived in London.

I have visited New York, Rome, Berlin, Bangkok, even freakin‘ Hong Kong.

Never in my life have I been so intimidated by a city as I have been the last few hours in Las Vegas.

First – This Mandalay Bay place is HUGE. HUGE. I can’t emphasize the hugeness of this hotel.

It’s a damn good thing the hotel is huge, because I found out that “the Gym at Mandalay Bay” – yes, it’s called that – has an associated fee of $27 per day. now, I know, I’m on the company’s dime here, but even with someone else paying for it, I REFUSE to pay $27 every day just to use the elliptical machine. So instead I will get up and walk around this enormous hotel to get my exercise.

Second – Everyone here is fabulous. Seriously. All of the women are gorgeous and walk around in little black dresses with their boobs (mostly surgically enhanced) hanging out. they can all pull it off. They all look great in their tiny clothes. It’s exactly what LA would like people to think it is except that there are too fat and ugly people in LA – I’ve seen ‘em!

Third – The convention center here is doing a convention of hairdressers. This is adding to the fabulous quotient. Everyone’s hair is, of course, fabulous. It’s just too much.

Fourth – There are, like, 15 restaurants in this hotel. Almost all of them start at 25 and go up to over $100 entrees. Seriously? What food is worth $100??!

Fifth – Casino. Blinking. Flashing. Hue. Noisy. Crowded. Scary. I watched some blackjack, but I couldn’t bring myself to put the $10 minimum down to play… I would just lose it. I broke a $10 buying a tooth brush (did I mention I forgot to pack my toothbrush?) So I decided I would suck it up and go play something in the casino anyway. I played some video blackjack… first nickle, then quarter. I lost $2 on the nickel games, then, played for a while on the quarter games. I put $5 in that machine, lost for a while, then won for a while. Once I got back to $5, I cashed out. I tried the slot machines, but I really don’t understand them, and I just ended up wildly hitting buttons until my $5 was gone. At that point, I had pretty much exhausted my enjoyment of giving away my money, so I came back up to my room to hide.

And so I am hiding from Las Vegas.

I am willing to believe that maybe it’s just this hotel and all the freakin‘ hairdressers. Perhaps tomorrow when I am hanging around the security convention with a bunch of ex law enforcement folks, I’ll feel less like I shouldn’t be allowed in the city.

I’ll tell you this… If I ever come back to Las Vegas… I’ll be staying in a smaller hotel.

Now, where’s my room service?