No Celery Please

If you would like to read a very meaningful and thought-provoking post full of deep heartfelt angst and pain.  Please go visit Tiff today. 

Seriously… I am warning you.  She posted an excellent screed on man’s inhumanity to man.  You ought to read it.

Plus… meaningful.  Not shallow.  In no way set at the mall.

OK, well you’re still here, so I am going to go ahead with the post that I was planning on posting today – even though it is set at the mall, and is, in fact, shallow and silly and probably contributing to the ongoing decay of society.

As part of my niece’s 13th birthday package (we usually “do things” with her for her birthday rather than buying a present), the SB and I took her and her 13 year old friend to the mall yesterday.  Her mom came along too, for moral support.

While at the mall, watching the two of them wander google-eyed through all those horrific stores that I would not otherwise wish to enter even if I were a corpse (Hollister, anyone?), we came to the center of the mall, where there was a giant sort of arena set up… full of people sitting at little mirrored table having other people poke at their faces with pointy sticks and puffy sticks and all manner of various kinds of sticks.

And there was a line.

So, naturally, we went over to see what the line was about.

Turns out, the L’oreal company was at the mall giving out free products and doing 5 minute makeovers – all in return for just sharing your precious marketing and demographic information with them.

If you think this was something that two 13 year old girls would be interested in… then you obviously do not live under a rock and can see where we are heading with this.

So we got in line.  The SB, bless him, very sensibly went to the Seattle’s Best Coffee and told us he’d meet us there when we were done.

So we got in line, a surprisingly fast moving line.  Gave up our information, which hopefully will stay with the fine people at L’Oreal, and not be sold to every advertising company this side of the Mississippi.

We went to their little “pick your look” computer…  picked some looks, and, after a brief wait, got called to the makeover tables.

This started with a skin-care consultation, which doubled as a “let us get your face cleaned up because you can’t have a makeover if you have all that other make-up on”

We watched two women walk out when they realized that they would have to be – gasp! – makeupless in the middle of the mall for a few minutes between station 1 and station 2.  I was OK with that – meant less time in line for us.

The skin-care thing was fine, they didn’t actually do anything to me, because I do not wear make-up – oh… yeah… did I mention that I do not wear make-up?  What was I doing here?

But, they also made you shove your face into this HORRIBLE lighted mirror that MAGNIFIED your face about a MILLION TIMES and then also had wonderous special lights that made your dry skin glow bright white and showed all the sun damage and other various horrible skin conditions that no one really wants to encounter on a sunday afternoon trip to the mall.

That mirror very nearly had me crying out and trying to buy everything the woman recommended on the spot!  Handily for me, the people working the event did not actually seem interested in selling anything – they were, in fact, oddly enough, just recommending you go to the store somewhere and buy it.  It was a no-pressure sales job.  Odd at a marketing event, but there you are.  Unfortunately, they kind of lost their chance there… because after a while the horror kind of wore off and I was thinking… nah - I can stick with my plain old cheap Neutrogena… I don’t need to buy a $25 microdermabrasion kit.

So – note to any L’oreal marketers whose (oh my god, I am sorry) job it is to search blogs for mentions of their name – try to sell people while they are at the thing at the mall… you gotta strike while the iron is hot!!

So from the horror mirror fun house part, we went over to the makeup part.

I showed the lady the picture I had picked.  Attempted to make some small talk, but this poor lady was clearly all out of that, me probably being her 500th mini-makeover by then (guessing)  So I sat there and let her smear stuff on my face.

While I remembered why it is I do not wear makeup.

Oh yeah.

I hate that feeling of crap all over my face.

And yet, I managed to sit there, and allow her to continue smearing stuff on my face in various colors.

Actually, she did a really excellent job. 

I acknowledge that makeup, properly applied, can make people look much better than no makeup.  I looked quite nice. I did not, however, look so much nicer that I felt it was worth having to walk around every day with goop all over me.

My sister also had a makeover that looked remarkably like the makeup she’d come in with.  The girls had makeovers which were very tastefully done – a little lip gloss, some blush, a touch of mascara… they are 13, after all.  At least the fine people at L’Oreal did not try to sell these little girls 5 gallons of trollop-paint.  I appreciate that.

So we were done and all went off to finish our malling activities.

In about 10 minutes, I started to feel like my lips were stuck together with Elmer’s glue, and my eyelashes started trying to poke my eyeballs out with their hard and pointy mascara treatment, and my face started to feel like I had a layer of, well, I don’t know what, but something not good, all over it.

I put up with this for a couple more stores. 

When we got to the Seattle’s Best Coffee some time later, I immediately made a bee-line for the napkins and got the lip stuff off.  That helped, and made it so I could get through the rest of the trip.

My sister, who would not be caught dead outside the house without make-up, thought this was all quite amusing.

Having worn makeup when I was a teen (rather a lot of it, actually, with the black eyeliner and the vampire pale skin), I knew better than to try and remove any of the rest of it before I got home, but by golly, I was counting down the minutes until I could get home to my bathroom sink and a lovely hot washcloth.

Which did, eventually, happen.  And I got the goo off my face, and I felt much better, and, with a reminder of why it is that I stopped wearing makeup all those years ago, I vowed that it would be at least another 11 years (which was the last time I had been made-up – for my wedding) before I went through that again.

These are the things one does in order to be “the cool aunt”

A couple of folks commented on yesterday’s blog that if you are going to be stuck getting up and going to work every day… it might be worthwhile considering doing something you love. 

It set me to thinking.

Now… I like my job fine, I guess.  I have a HUGE paranoid streak in me, and I’m pretty cynical… so the security / disaster planning field is actually not a bad fit.  (plus, I often have plenty of time for meaningless blogging) But, I wouldn’t say I LOVE it. 

I had a co-worker, many years ago at another job who said that the test of whether a marriage is good or not is this…  If you suddenly won a kajillion dollars… would you get a divorce?  And my answer to that is no.  No I would not.  So, OK, I love my husband.

But!  If I asked that question… If you suddenly won a kajillion dollars… would you quit your job?

Well, even though my job is a perfectly cromulent job, the answer to that question would be YES!  YES!  A Thousand Times YES!

So, clearly, I do not love what I do.

But… if I were going to do something that I love… what would that be?

I love to read.  I suppose I could get a job as a librarian.  That, however, would require a new degree.

I love to go hiking in the woods.  But… really?  I don’t think I could do forest ranger or anything like that… too many yahoos out there (although I would really enjoy ticketing the people who let their maniac dogs run around off-leash)

I love animals… I could maybe work at the humane society…

I still sometimes fantasize about teaching high school… I did start out in college wanting to be a history teacher.  But there’s a probelm with all of these jobs…

I also love to be able to pay the mortgage.  And I love to be able to put food on the table.  And I like being able to have gas in the car to go places. And, really, lets face it, the SB has a pretty pricy guitar-string habit that needs to be supported.

So any job I loved would also have to be a job that could pay for all those things.  I am pretty sure librarians do not get paid very much.

Maybe after I’ve been doing this long enough to get properly vested in my pension plan, I can quit this job and work with homeless dogs or something

In the mean time… gotta get around to buying a lottery ticket. Powerball is at $144 mill!

You ever have one of those days where is suddenly dawns on you…

“Oh My God!  I have to get up and go to work every day FOR THE NEXT 25 YEARS!!!”

Sometimes it just hits me.

When’s the next powerball drawing?

So last week, Thursday and Friday, I spent at a seminar on negotiating.

I am not what you might call a “negotiator”.  I am more of a “look at the price tag and buy it if I think it’s cheap enough -er”.

I learned a great deal at this seminar.

Thing one on the list… my company would be wise to NEVER let me buy anything on my own.

I, it would appear, am a pushover.  I want to have a good outcome for everyone involved. 

This is not – EVEN WHEN THEY SAY WE ARE PRACTICING COOPERATIVE NEGOTIATING – how other people feel about striking deals.

This led me, in the practice “games” we did at this thing, to naively take the other people at their word when they said things like… “now, that’s just impossible – I would literally be making zero profit if I accepted that price”. And I would say to myself… well, now everyone has a right to a reasonable profit.  I guess I could go all the way up to that bottom limit I set.”

So I would.

Then, at the end of the game, I find out that the other person was a BIG FAT LYING LIAR!  And they were totally screwing me, even though I had prepared for the game and set what I thought was a fair price and not gone above what I thought was fair… apparently, I am way too fair.

Anyway… So this is why I do not work in procurement.

But I did learn a couple of good tips…  like, you can almost always get free delivery on things – even if they purport to have a delivery charge.  And… markup on jewelry is, like, 800%, so if you are in a jewelry store, looking at something, and the salesperson tells you how much it is… do not stand there and try to act like you hear prices like that every day and are not completely shocked by their outrageous demands… no… go ahead and make a face and laugh at them.  That laugh will take the price down almost immediately.

You do not even want to know how much the person who sent me to this seminar paid for me to learn that:

A) I am the world’s suckiest negotiator
B) Jewlery (which I hardly ever buy, by the way, and then only on the internet, where prices are normal) is not firmly priced.

Next time I buy something big, I am going to ask for free delivery, and then they will say no, and I will say “OK” (see item “A”)

OK, IRS… now April 15 has passed… WHERE IS MY ECONOMIC STIMULUS REBATE?

Huh? Huh?

I am all set to start stimulating the economy.

I want this…

And my rebate will just cover it with enough left maybe for a mat under it!

From, well, at this point pretty much stolen from everyone.

It’s pretty accurate for just a few checks in boxes.   I think it got me a little higher on the neurotic score than I really am, but the rest is eerily accurate.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You’re generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You’re generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there’s a few emotional bumps you’d like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there’s no way you’ll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

We watched “The Mist” last night.

It certainly wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and I thought they went with rather a bold choice of ending, but it’s nothing I feel like I could, in good conscience, recommend to anyone else.

The main trouble with it, and with many modern horror movies, is that they are set in modern times, with modern assumptions, but at all times every person in the movie acts like they HAVE NEVER SEEN A HORROR MOVIE!!!

It drives me crazy that people, even fictional people, can be so STOOOOOOOPID.

So, here, in case you ever find yourself dropped down in the middle of the apocalypse, are my rules for survival when the shit hits the fan.

1. If there is shit killing people outside, do not go outside.
2. If other people want to go outside, do not try to keep them inside – they are only going to eat food you could use to survive.
3. If other people start to go outside and then are grabbed by something… do not try to hold on to their legs or arms and pull them back into the building.  Either you are going to get pulled out and eaten along with them, or you are going to end up in possession of a bloody half-body while the thing outside is still hungry because it only got to eat the other half.
4. If someone starts preaching that whatever is going on is the Wrath of God… start thinking about how you might survive going outside and get to some less “wrathy” place, because that crazy MF is going to start up with the human sacrifice in a day or two.
5. If you ever… EVER… see anyone wrapped up in a cocoon.  For the love of Pete -RUN AWAY!  You cannot save this person.  It is too late for them.  Even if they say “help me” – ignore them -they are already full of monster eggs and if you stick around to cut them free you will be the next one in a cocoon all filled up with monster eggs.
6. If you are in a restaurant, grocery store, or other public facility that has a cooler – USE IT… do not sit around in a room full of windows when you can hide in a big metal closet!
7. Never decide to kill yourself until the last possible moment when it is obvious no rescue is going to come.  Rescue will ALWAYS show up right after you put a bullet in your head.
8. If there are not weird monsters killing people outside, and it’s just a regular – run of the mill apocalypse, run.  Run away.  Get as far from population centers as you can.  Go to the mountains.  Find a cave.  Eat moss until you figure out how to kill squirrels for sustenance.  People are going to get crazy, and if you are slow, they will catch you and eat you.
9. Also – take all your kitchen knives with you when you go.  Put the biggest one on the end of a mop handle with tape.  When the monsters come (or the crazy cannibals), you want to be able to poke them with pointy objects from a reasonable distance.

Since you were kind enough to indulge me with some questions… I suppose I’d better get around to answering them, huh?

From Ron:

1. If you had to pick being blind or deaf, which one would you pick?

Deaf, no question. I think I could get along in the world without being able to hear.  I’m not much of a conversationalist, I’m not hugely into music… TV has closed captioning.  But not being able to see where I am going?  Or drive?  Or take pictures, or read a book (I suppose I could learn braile, but it’s not like there’s an overabundence of braile translations out there).  No, if I had to pick, I’d keep my sight.

2. If you could change 1 key moment in your life would you? and if so how would you change it?

Hmmm… 1 key moment.  I think I might change the day I decided that it was going to be too hard and unfamiliar to go to any of the 4 year colleges I was accepted to and enrolled in my local community college instead.  Not that I didn’t get a good education… although it did take me longer than is traditional, what iwth transferrgin and all… but I don’t have any “college stories”… I think I missed out not living on campus, and all that stuff, even though that’s what I was scared of when I decided not to go. 

And from Renn:

If any of your past bosses walked through the door at your current job, would you be willing to quit your current job and return to work for them?

This is easy.  Um… HELL NO!!!!

Should I go back to the boss who refused to give “excellent” employee reviews because – and I quote – “It doesn’t leave you anything to strive for”?  Or to the boss who was ostensibly the president of an INTERNET COMPANY, but had to have me put the clip art in his documents for him?  Perhaps the boss who blamed anyone and everyone for her mistakes as long as there was nothing the blameee could prove?  (Although, I did  learn the all important art of CYA from her).

No – I like my job, I like my boss, I like my company.  I think I’ll stay here

From Doc Nagel

What’s that thing over there by the table?

As this is in writing, I am not 100% sure if you are talking about this table over here… in which case, that’s a giant tumbleweed of dog hair.  Or, if you are talking about that table over there, in which case, it’s most likely an adorable kitten doing something wonderfully adorable, and hadn’t you better go take a picture of it and post it on your blog before we all go into adorable kitten withdrawal?  Because, seriously, those are some cute kittens.

Scottsdale Girl said

Brad Pitt? George Clooney? or Alton Brown?

You know what I mean…

Well… Brad Pitt, I can appreciate on an aesthetic level.  He is a handsome man, but, come on, he’s totally a devoted daddy who wants all these babies around, and I think we all know how I feel about babies.

Alton Brown is something of a regular guy, which I can appreciate, but I would send him screaming for the hills with all his “you have to cook your own food” snobbery when everything I eat comes out of a box, can or bag… I think we would not get along.

George Clooney… I admire him greatly as an actor.  Seriously, I would watch the guy paint a fence.  In fact, last weekend, I watched him in Leatherheads, which was practically the same thing, and I still loved it.  I would like very much to talk to him, discuss some of the roles he has chosen, and some of the movies he’s made.  I think he’s a hell of a guy.

And, since I am married, I’m going to interpret “you know what I mean” as “Which of these might you like to be randomly sat next to at a dinner party” – and go with Mr. Clooney.

Deborah asked

You are asked at a conference to describe yourself using one word. Which word would that be?

Only one word?  ONE? Me?  The queen of the run-on sentence?

OK, OK… since I am assuming this is a business conference, and I might want to be getting something out of one of these people at some point, I am going to go with…

“Smart”

But really…  what about Sarcastic?  What about borderline-crazy?  What about efficient?  What about nice?  One word – sheesh!

Brenda Love was interested in many things…

1. What was your most romantic (or fabulous) date ever?

Uh… I had a boyfriend for a few months in high school.  He was a dish washer at a crappy restaurant… so the most fabulous thing we ever did on a date was go to a movie.

I dated another guy when I was 20. He didn’t have any money when we met. And, Uh, yeah, I kind of married him.  So – not really so much with the fabulous dates or anything like that.  Also, the SB knows if he tried to pull any of that “romantic” crap, I’d probably poke his eye out with a stick.

But, once we were married, and I was out of college, and we kind of settled into things, and there was actually some of that there “discretionary income” laying around…  We did sort of get into a habit of going to NYC on a fairly regular basis, and to me, that’s pretty fabulous.

2. What’s your favorite thing to have on a biscuit or breakfast sandwich?

OK, so, strictly speaking, I try not to eat this sort of thing, because biscuits, if they are any good at all, involve large amounts of lard, which is sometihng that I really ought not eat.

BUT!!! If I were going that way… Bojangles biscuit WITH a sausage patty on both sides AND sausage gravy (follewed by a cinnamon biscuit)

And if you do not have Bojangles where you are (which you may not, as it is a Southern thing) – oh my god, I am soooo sorry)

3. If you could visit another country, all expenses paid, which one would you pick and why?

All expenses paid?  Including a security detail and a translator?  Then China…  Oh, I would love to go to China, spend a couple of months, eat the glorious chinese food in the little markets, take the train across the vast country and visit the temples.  Do you know how much history they have in China?  Oh.. and thence to Tibet, to climb in the Himalayas.  Yup… China. 

But… without the security and translator, I’d like to go to Ireland… it’s just so pretty.

4. What do you think about assisted suicide? Is it morally wrong or is it humane?

I am a firm believer that people ought to be able to do what they want to do as long as they are not injuring anyone else in the process.  So – someone is frail, in pain, just doesn’t want to go on any more?  Sure, I don’t see anything at all wrong with allowing them a pain free and sure way to take a bow. 

5. Do you prefer dogs or cats?

Hmmm, I guess it would depend on the sauce…

But, really, I love other people’s cats, but I don’t know if I could have one… You can’t take a cat for a hike in the woods.  (and trust me, I saw a woman in the woods hiking with her cat in a pack on her back, and this was possibly the MOST unhappy cat I have ever seen in my life)

Dogs.  But small ones.

6. Would you still have sex with Johnny Depp even if you knew he had herpes?

Frankly, although I do admire Johnny Depp as something of an object d’arte, the very idea of having sex with him is a little creepy.  He’s a weirdo.  I  can only assume that would apply to everything he does.

Tiff wanted to know

Gnomes or dwarves, and why?

Gnomes. Gnomes are magic, and they can help you with your travel plans.  Dwarves are just short.

When you were four, what did you think you would be when you were all grown up, and, as a corollary, do you think you are grown up yet?

I do not remember when I was four.  I do not remember much of my own childhood.  Could this be because I had some horrible trauma that my brain is hiding from me?  Well, maybe, but then I suppose I don’t want to know if that’s the case.

Anyway, the first memory I have of wanted to be something when I grew up was closer to 10, and I wanted to be a pedeatrician.

Then, I learned how hard it is to be a doctor, and I changed my mind.

When I was in high school, I wanted to be a high school history teacher, but then, when I was in college, there was a serious rash of teachers being shot in their classrooms by crazy students, so I changed my mind.

When I got out of college, I took a job as a glorified secretary.  Which, by the way, if you major in history and then decide not to teach, is all you are qualified for when you get out of school.

Since then, I kind of went where whim, and opprtunity have taken me.

And, yes, I think I am grown up.  It took a lot of doing, but I am very glad I finally got here… being a kid totally blows.

And, finally, ETW asked

What do you do for work (you don’t have to be specific, just a general field)?

I work in Corporate Security, which is far away from anywhere I ever thought I’d be, but it suits my seriously paranoid and cynical side. 

It’s not the guards and fences side of things, but the fraud, business continuity, workplace violence prevention, education and training side of things.  It’s actually more interesting than you might imagine.

What is it with celery? Taste? Texture? Everything?

Celery is gross.  People will tell you it has no taste, but that is a lying lie.  It does have a taste, a nasty, celery taste that infects every part of any dish it is put into.

Also, it is stringy.

But, if I am a guest in your house, and you serve me something with celery in it, I will eat it, and never say a word. (although probably not all of it).

Celery is gross, but I am polite.

————-_____——————–

That was most fun!  thanks for the questions!  I recommend you try this yourself!

In a spectacular failure of imagination, I am stealing Ron’s “questions” post idea… he stole it from someone else, so I don’t really feel as though I am violating any copyright agreements here.

So… here’s the idea.

You post questions in the comments section.

Later, I answer them.

Also – I decided up front, I am not going to lie.  We’ll see what happens.