In honor of the Season, I am participating in a FABULOUS guest post exchange. It’s like a gift exchange… but instead, I get a post to post here on my blog and I didn’t even have to write it myself! WAY better than just stealing a topic from someone!
And without further ado (and, his statements to the contrary notwithstanding, unedited) … the guest post…
Tuna Salad —
I’m Max Keller.
I’m writing a guest blog for No Celery Please as part of the First Annual Atchka! Holiday Blog Exchange (FAAHB).
I’m the proprietor of Atchka!.
I apologize if you’re all like, “What the fuck? I came here for No Celery Please, not some fat guy who’s never had a tummy tuck.”
If it helps make this experience any less traumatic, I was once stabbed in the back with some pinking shears.
Okay, I wasn’t, but I read about this guy who was stabbed in the back with some pinking shears, and he woke up in a bathtub full of ice. And when he gets out he realizes that while he was unconscious, somebody gave him a tummy tuck.
Ever since, I’ve lived in fear of the Tummy Tucker.
No Celery Please is very lucky to have done it herself, as the Tummy Tucker will not attack the post-tucked. I’m thinking of getting as a precaution.
Anyway, I’m not here to talk about serial tummy tuckers. That would be ridiculous.
As a good, God-fearing lapsed Catholic, I should warn you that this guest post is for good Christians only. I know that’s probably a controversial rule, but you should have heard the other proposed restrictions that No Celery Please wanted.
I’m sorry, but I don’t think this post should be for white Republicans only. I personally sent a link of this post to Michael Steele.
Anyway, the reason we’re all here is because of Christmas, right? Because this whole “You have to say ‘Happy Holidays!’ because not everyone celebrates Christmas” is bullshit. Of course everyone celebrates Christmas.
Hell, Saddam Hussein had a special Christmas Room in each one of his royal palaces, each with its staffed with a herd of elves and one fat, bearded Caucasian in a red velvet suit making toys year round.
And in every palace it was directly across the hall from the Orgy Cavern.
The only cultural differences that exist in ‘Merica are between traditions. Some people go to Midnight Mass and get shit-faced, while others do nothing and claim their religion doesn’t allow them to celebrate holidays due to the proscription against idolatry.
You say tomato, I say tomato.
So, two people from the Holiday Blog Exchange recommended writing on the subject of Christmas food, which immediately set me to reminiscing.
I remember waking up on Christmas morn, my mind reeling from infinite joy as I rush down the steps and shred every inch of wrapping paper before passing out on a bed of plastic crap.
When I next awoke, my two older brothers were pounding on me mercilessly and telling me that Santa wasn’t real just because I opened all their presents.
After the ER, we’d return home, where my mom would be cooking Christmas dinner. We’d then have to go buy some more cooking sherry, since she drank the other three bottles and when we returned, we’d put out the fire and drag mom to bed.
Then my brothers and I would sit down to a plateful of mom’s famous garlic mashed celery with roasted celery in a spicy celery sauce.
And for dessert? Celery pie.
It was a nice change of pace from our nightly celery sammiches and celery pudding. After all, variety is the spice of life (although celery needs no spice, no condiments… celery is God’s perfect food).
As I sit here, reflecting on a bygone era, sipping on diet celery cola and enjoying a Krispy Kreme celery creme donut, I can’t help but wonder if there might be more to life than just celery.
And that’s something that No Celery Please has taught me. Not everyone appreciates the subtle dignity of the noble apium graveolens.
Did you know that celery leaves and inflorescences were part of the garlands found in the tomb of pharaoh Tutankhamun who died in 1323 BC? Or that celery mericarps dated to the 7th century BC were recovered in the Heraion of Samos?
Yet the Pharaoh’s Flower (as it was known in secret circles of sinister repute) is as deadly as it is beautiful. It’s true.
Celery is among a small group of foods (headed by peanuts) that appear to provoke the most severe allergic reactions; for people with celery allergy, exposure can cause potentially fatal anaphylactic shock. The allergen does not appear to be destroyed at cooking temperatures. Celery root — commonly eaten as celeriac, or put into drinks — is known to contain more allergen than the stalk. Seeds contain the highest levels of allergen content. Exercise-induced anaphylaxis may be exacerbated. An allergic reaction also may be triggered by eating foods that have been processed with machines that have previously processed celery, making avoiding such foods difficult. In contrast with peanut allergy being most prevalent in the US, celery allergy is most prevalent in Central Europe. In the European Union, foods that contain or may contain celery, even in trace amounts, have to be clearly marked as such.
So don’t fuck with celery.
And before you comment, I’ll have you know that I’m the Midwest’s foremost celery expert and I didn’t just cut and paste from celery’s Wikipedia page.
Well, that’s my special guest post for No Celery Please. I want to thank her for giving me this forum to express horrible things that will likely offend the entirity of humanity for a cheap laugh.
As a way of mopping up the mess as I go along, I’d like to state for the record that I strongly dislike Republicans. Particularly the kind who prefer President Cheney (um, I mean Bush) to Obama .
Fortunately, all of those who are participating in FAAHB have the right to edit the submissions they receive for their blog. So, anything that has offended you in this blog has gone through the No Celery Please’s purityrannical review process and received her mark of approval.
But as a favor to her, I have gone to the trouble of editing out the most offensive sections of this post into a G-rated version that is sure meet the broadest cross-section of tastes possible.
The abridged version is as follows: