Do you know what I have never, ever, ever, ever owned at any point during the entire 35 years I have been in existence on this planet?

I’ll wait while you ponder that… I imagine there are, in fact, several more answers than the one I am considering now.

But anyway…

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I have NEVER owned, worn, or contemplated a Two Piece swim suit.

As a kid, well, that’s something my mom just didn’t go in for.

Then, once I was past 12, I was already big enough that society’s message of “hey, fatty!  no one wants to see you in a bikini, you are gross!” was already coming through loud and clear.  (oh how I wish someone had taught me the true meaning of the words “Screw you” back then)

As an older teen, I was so horrified and shamed by my very existence that the idea of swimming in front of anyone at all, no matter what I was wearing (and I often wore a t-shirt over my suit) was unthinkable.

So here I am, 35 years old… never had a bikini.

Until yesterday.

When I went out on the internet and I ordered this:

and this:

And just for good measure, even though it’s a one-piece, but hey – it has SUSHI! – this:

I looked on a ton of sites and all the two piece suits I managed to find appeared to be designed for beach hookers.  I am not interested in looking like a beach hooker.  I am interested in finding something that looks athletic, and work-outy and like I would like to swim because I am looking for exercise, not a date.  (but hey, at the same time, I DO want a two piece – I PAID for this belly, dammit!  and I’m going to show it while I’ve got it! – yes!  even the stretch marks!)

But then I found this site: http://www.swimoutlet.com/ that sells fitness and competition swimwear – like for people who want to actually swim, and who would maybe like the suit to cover at least some part of their butts! And who, just perhaps, might need more than a tiny triangle of material to cover the boobal area because hey, they might be small, but they are 35 years old now and need something to rein those puppies in.

So, I found what I wanted, I looked at the size charts and read the reviews of what people had to say about the fit.  And I ordered them.

They’ve already shipped, so if they come in by Tuesday, I’ll take my six week tummy tuck photo in one of them – since I need to post that anyway.  And if they don’t fit, well, I picked a site with a good return policy, and I can exchange them for a different size.

Yay!