Not in a “mad” way like that implies.

Maybe I should say… kinda been soaking in a tub of my own dirty water lately.

Is that better?

I dunno.

Anyway.  Tired of it.

Adult responsibilities – bah…   weight obsession – bah…  asceticism – bah…  depression – bah… politics – bah…  activists – bah…  feeling guilty for freakin’ un-joining a freakin’ gym – bah… caring what persons a,b, and c might think of me – bah…

New outlook needed:

Fun – yay…   Fun – yay…  Fun – yay…

We’ll see how flipping this switch goes.  But it might be a while before I come back here.  The blog has been drawing out the maudlin.

I have a “Bucket Handle” tear of my left knee medial meniscus.

The torn piece (like in the picture below) is kinda flopping around and getting pinched between my femur and tibia.

This = pain.

My option is to either have the torn piece trimmed off or live with the pain.

I decided that I will go the “fix pain” option.

A diagram of how they will be trimming the piece is below (OK – it’s for a right knee, but whatever).

The doctor will go in and trim out the torn bit.

Voila, no more pain.

Since I am going to London next week, I am putting the surgery off until I get back.  My Doc was almost confident that I could have the surgery this week and walk around London next week, but he did think six days was cutting it close.  So I decided I would rather go to London with the pain I know than with potential unknown pain.

Should be able to get back to regular walking, etc in just a few days after the surgery.  Doc says there’s no reason after the surgery that I should not go back to Jiu Jitsu… once the meniscus is trimmed, there’s nothing further that can be damaged related to it.  UNLESS  … I tear a new tear.

So while the Doc actually said I could easily go back to Jiu Jitsu in about three weeks, I have decided that I am going to spend some time in the weight room, making my left leg muscles stronger so I reduce the risk of a new injury.

Also – I am not 100% sure I am wanting to go back to the FFMMA gym… I like them… I LOVE the ladies I train with…  but the gym appears to be moving in a bit of a direction I am not 100% wild about.  I’m going to reserve judgement until I am back to feeling like I can go back, anyway.  Then decide on the location that I go back to.  I do miss the training already, though.

So anyway… that’s all the knee news.

I have a little editor in my head that tells me things like… “You weren’t in that much pain”…  “But it was so FUN!”…  “Maybe if you changed X or Y”…  “Who says we are too old for that?”

That little editor does not recall how I felt JUST LAST THURSDAY.

That little editor minimizes the bad and emphasizes the good.

And there was A LOT of good.  That feeling that I would have after a really great class where everything just clicked and I totally jiu jitsu’d all over the place was really great.  I get a rush of satisfaction and accomplishment from doing physical things that are difficult and doing them well.

So it draws me, and it sings to me…  “Don’t you want to feel that way again?!”

I don’t get that kind of satisfaction from just “working out”…  There’s no test there.  There’s no real accomplishment… it’s just… “well, I burned another 300 calories. good”.

And maybe once I get this knee all sorted, I can consider going back to it… But I need to remember the OW.  Because it’s part of it.  You do not get just the good, no matter what that stupid head voice has to say.

The pain in my knee is noticeably less.  There has been no “catching” or other acute issues.  Some end of day general pain is all.

This gives me some hope that perhaps the tear is in a “healable” area and perhaps it could get better with rehab (that means it’s torn near the outside where there is blood flow – fingers crossed!).

I am not ruling out the idea of surgery.  If I need it to be 100%, then I would like to.  I do not want to have to favor the left knee my whole life if I could just get it fixed and be better.  BUT!  I don’t want to sign up for surgery if it’s not necessary….  So there’s that.

But nothing will be known until I go get an MRI on Friday then see the Doc for the results on Tuesday.

Until then, no Jiu Jitsu.

And probably no Jiu Jitsu ever again.  But I am not TOTALLY ruling it out.  If I could rehab and then go back, maybe I would.  Sigh.  I have this need to see myself as a “badass”…  I am not sure exactly why or where it comes from.  Maybe instead of working on learning a crazy sport, I should work on accepting that I am just a normal human, not a super hero.

Anyway – that’s not really that dire.

In good karma news.  Just as I was realizing that the MMA gym is not going to be any place I am going back to…  and I was trying to find another, less “Crazy” gym to work out at (because I AM still going to need a place to work out, even if it’s a “normal” thing like a spin class…  The universe dropped a “2 month membership to Gold’s Gym for $29″ into my lap. Which is RIDICULOUSLY cheap.  I wanted to try Gold’s, but it’s kinda pricy.  At this price, I can get 2 months to really dig in, see about the place, and decide.  So… as it will, sometimes the universe provides…  one door closes, another opens and all that sort of thing.

In actual fact, a place like Gold’s to “just work out” was what I was looking for when I joined the MMA place…  but then they dangled “Badassery” in my face and I jumped in with both feet, er, knees, whatever    So this may be a way to transition back to where I was going before I took that detour.

PS – this is post # 700 on this blog.  How time flies!

I really really really LOVE boxing and Jiu Jitsu.  It’s FUN!  It engages the body and the brain.  It is a FABULOUS workout.

But damn…  I just keep on hurting myself.  January it was general “kinda creaky”…  I started taking glucosamine and – yay! Fixed!

But then February I took a shot to the ribs and THOSE hurt for weeks.

I also did something to my shoulder so THAT was hurting.

I kept going back and going back thinking… OK, at some point I am going to be DONE with these dumbass injuries.

Then in March… it appears I tore my meniscus.

I waited… I gave it time.

It got a bit better, but not “really”.

So I made an appointment with the doctor.  HOPING to be told I hurt my knee and here, wear this brace.

Alas.. instead I heard “MRI” and “Arthroscope” and “Surgery”.

Then – in the time between making the appointment and going to the appointment, I was grappling with a girl who is SO strong.  She was trying to take me down and she misjudged how light I am… and instead of taking me down, she basically threw me up in the air and slammed me to the mat.  Then landed on me like a dead weight.  So now my shoulder and ribs hurt again.  This may not be the sport for me.

Now – this is no one’s fault but my own.

I bought the damn ticket.  I took the ride.  I am not looking for anyone to cry for me.

But I am sad that I strongly suspect I am going to have to give this up.  If I go to all the trouble of having my knee fixed surgically, I do not think I can, in good conscience, go right back to the thing that hurt it.  Maybe the MRI will say no surgery.

And while I could just go to this gym and do the boxing classes…  I think I would be sad when it was Jiu Jitsu time and I had to leave.

Sigh. And Double Sigh.

I guess I am on the lookout for another activity I can do to keep fit and motivated – maybe without so much pain.

I’ll have to get over my desire to be seen as a bad-ass, I guess

But over the last week while I did add them back, it was in the form of oats, and a few more veggies, and not much else, really.

Today I went and had pad thai. Yeah… A great big plate of refined white carbs in sugar sauce.

Oooooooohhhhh.

I forgot. I can eat about 20 pounds of starchy white carb sugary stuff like that and STILL want to keep stuffing things in my face. Bah!

I guess I’ll be overdoing it today unless I can somehow exert some willpower and stop it.

Guess I better make sure I stick to the “no white carbs” advice at least.

I have to learn lessons over and over and over. I wish the lessons did not taste so damn good.

We’ll see if I just have to go back to low carb or if I can manage with the slower digesting whole grains.

I was seriously light headed when I finished that plate of noodles, but then the cravings kicked in and I had some o the rice pudding my mom had on the stove… And tea… And then some ice cream… And a cookie at the store.

And I STILL “feel” hungry.

Sigh.

Oh well.

But I am so lucky that they tend to be short lived and relatively mild.

I know people who live their entire lives feeling the way I felt yesterday.  It’s terrible and awful and debilitating.  I do not understand how they manage.

I also don’t quite understand the reluctance to want to get better, though.  The resistance to any kind of professional help.  I guess maybe when you are feeling depressed, you also feel like you DESERVE to feel that way.

But when I am depressed, I KNOW it’s just “being depressed”…  and at some level I know I don’t want to feel that way.  But maybe it’s because I also know that there’s another way to feel, because I am not depressed ALL THE TIME.

I have no answers…  Just feel sad for those who cannot wake up after a few days and feel better… 

I know it’s not true…  but right now I am wallowing.

I liked Derby…  It hurt my knee.

I like Jiu Jitsu…  it hurt my knee.

OK, I guess I do like the boxing as well, and it does not hurt my knee.  But it’s not as good as the Jiu Jitsu.

Do not pay too much attention to this.  I am just being mopey.

I can still WALK, for pete’s sake.   Lot’s of people don’t even have that.

Currently sitting at 134.4…  that’s 3.5 pounds of, what?  Probably mostly water.

My rings are too tight.

Is this worth it?  Is having oatmeal for breakfast and not having to be afraid of the tiniest morsel of cake worth it?

I’m going to give it a bit of time to settle down.  Maybe this is just a body freak-out phase.

Gah!  Why can’t we just photosynthesize?

I’m getting some books on low-glycemic index.  At least if I am going to eat carbs I should still look out for how it impacts the energy burning process.