It’s an odd thing when you change your life.
I was looking at the wedding pictures and it got me thinking… I really, truly, for the first time… Do not remember how it felt to be that fat girl I used to be.
When I woke up on whatever day that was back in May, 2001… Fatness had pretty much been a defining characteristic of my entire life.
I was a fat kid, a fat teen, fat adult.
So yeah… it was ingrained.
But it was also the feeling of the body I was living in. The way I moved. The way I knew how long I could bend over before I had to come up for a breath. The way I plotted a course through a room based on what I could squeeze by.
After I lost that weight… it was still there in my head.
I still felt like the same old person. I still tended to make sure a passageway could hold the old me before I walked through. The feelings were not different.
It was, literally, 7 or 8 years before I could even think of myself as “not fat” without having to do a double take to check to make sure it was true.
Maybe the ten year mark is what did it, or maybe it was the tummy tuck that changed things, or maybe it’s that in the last year or so I have really been working on being FIT… not just “not fat”.
But looking at those wedding pictures… for the first time, I honestly can’t remember the feeling of taking up that much space. I can’t remember how living in that body felt. When I think of “me”… I think of this me, not that me. And that’s a very recent thing.
It’s just weird, after so long, I thought I’d always be that girl in my head… and then I turned around one day after not thinking about it for a while, and she’s gone.
It’s kinda like looking at a picture of someone else, when I know that it’s really me.