Posts tagged Introspection

Reboot

May 27, 2012 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged ,

So as I was running on Saturday, I worked out this whole awesome blog post where I compared my life to a series of evolving software releases.  The post was super awesome and I had some great metaphors.

But… then trying to go back and recreate all the stuff I had “written” in my head as I was running through the woods… well…  I just got kinda bored.

So you are just going to have to take my word for it how I did such a good job comparing my life evolving to a software project going through upgrades, revisions, hardware platforms, plug ins, etc.  It was also pretty funny.

Anyway, though, the POINT of the post that, sadly, no one but me will ever know, was that it’s time for ANOTHER reboot…

Basically, if you look at my life as a series of revisions… I have…

Release 1.0 – I turn 18 and am a “finished adult product”

Release 1.5 – Marriage was a major revision, but didn’t really make a significant change to the underlying “me”… I was the same person, but now with the SB along with me.

Release 2.0 was me after my “lifestyle change”… Yes – I was thin, and I was sort of fit (not like I am now)… but a lot of my underlying issues with lack of confidence, low self esteem, etc were still there.  I was really that same fat girl – I just looked different.

Version 3.0 came with Derby… and it didn’t all happen at once… but of the course of years of participating in that awesome sport, I gained self confidence, a belief in my own abilities, a lessening of my willingness to take crap, and a general all around feeling (most of the time) that I am pretty darn awesome.

So – anyway… now I am officially retired from derby, and I am fully aware that it’s the correct thing for me to do for a whole host of reasons…

But it does leave something of a gap.

Who am I going to be without the Derby?

What are my interests going to be?  What are my hobbies going to be?

Because as much as I loved Derby – it does eat your whole life..  and now suddenly I find myself (well, once this latest work craziness eases up) with time to do other things, explore other avenues…  do… stuff.

So it’s time for Rachelle version 4.0 and I’m not really sure what that’s going to look like.

I know I want to still stay fit.  I love the feeling that I can do things with my body just because I want to.

But… what does that mean?  I love trail running…  I am toying with the idea of training for a half marathon trail run.

But fitness can’t be all I do.

So.. what do I want to explore?  Art? Music? Travel? What?

I am not sure where to go.

So I am searching, I guess… for what?  Myself?  I mean – I feel like I know “who I am” – but my self image also had a lot to do with Derby, so there’s a gap in that image now… what do I put in that gap?

I dunno.

I guess I’ll find out…

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Mottos!

March 15, 2011 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged

I don’t know if it’s necessarily important for people to have mottos.

I mean, I am sure that there are millions of folks out there who live their whole lives never having had “words to live by”…

But I find that having a couple of simple statements that I can repeat to myself when things are tough really helps me move past problems (well, or sometimes things that I see as problems, because, let’s face it… with all that’s happening in the world today, my “problems” look pretty sweet to a lot of folks out there).

Anyway.

I have two mottos that I pretty much live by.

Illigitimum Non Carburundum

and

Hakuna Matata

The first one… Illigitimum Non Carburundum…  is a fake Latin phrase that, if it were actual Latin, would translate to “Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down”.

I first discovered this phrase when I married the SB… I believe his father was the first mentioner, but I could be wrong, it might have been him.

Either way… 15 years later and I still think it’s the best piece of advice ever.

People are assholes.

Yes, even the ones we know and like, even the ones who are sweet as pie and twice as nice as cake, even me, even you, (sorry if you really aren’t, but I’m generalizing here), we all have the capacity to be assholes at the very least, even if we rarely exercise it.

So when someone does something asshole-ish.  a) It should come as no particular surprise and b) you really can’t let it bother you.

“Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down”… to me, it’s the best way to say.  Hey… you are going to have to deal with assholes all the time.  Try not to let it bother you too much.  Don’t let it get to you.  Don’t take it personally. Don’t stoop to their level.  Don’t become an asshole to fight against the assholes.

I think you get the idea.

Basically, it’s a reminder that I may not be in control of how other people act.  Scratch that.  I AM NOT in control of how other people act, but I am 100% in control of how I react to them and how I allow them to impact my feelings and emotions.  If I let them grind me down, they win.  If I let them make me act like an asshole, they win. If I react with calm and grace and dignity (and maybe a little passive-aggressive revenge that they will never know came from me), then they do not win.

So I keep that one in mind.

The second one… Hakuna Matata… is probably, I think, more familiar to you, what with the song and all.  And, yes, that movie is the first I ever heard of that phrase, and I liked it then, but I didn’t adopt it as my motto until 2004.

2004 was a pretty bad year.  You know… in life, we have good years, we have bad years, we have normal years… well 2004 was difficult one for me, and that’s when I decided that “Hakuna Matata” was going to be added to my life as a way to get through.

“No Worries”  or “No Problem” is the literal translation, but from the movie, I also think of it as Pumbaa (yes, it’s his voice too) saying in my ear… “You gotta put your behind in the past!”

Because that’s important for me to keep on going.

Stuff that happened has happened.  You can’t do anything about it, you can’t change it, you can’t go back and make it un-happen… so you gotta let it go.

Childhood issues?  Well, I’m not a kid anymore… let them go.  Mean kids in high school? High school is over… let it go.  That first terrible job I had where my bosses set me up for failure then blamed me for failing? I don’t work there anymore… let it go.  Bitch cut me off in traffic?  Well, she’s ahead of me now… let it go.

“Behind in the past” counts for everything… things that happened years ago, and things that happened yesterday.

Now, that’s not saying I don’t want to try to improve things in the future, but dwelling on the past, on things I have no control over, things I can’t change…  well that’s just gonna make me sad and crazy.  So I don’t.  Yesterday is gone, but today and tomorrow I can work with… let’s see what happens.

Those two sayings have helped me do a lot in my life.  Living by them (among all the other things in life, yes) certainly helped me grow from a low self-esteem, negative self talking, down-on-me, generally depressed kind of a person in my 20′s to the person I am today.

I really grew up a lot in my 30′s (so far). I’m not saying it wasn’t work, mentally, and I’m not saying I don’t still have a ways to go on the crazy train.  But I can look at myself today and I actually like me.  I think I’m good at stuff.  I think I am a worthwhile person.  It takes work to get there, but I’m happier now than ever and I think that it’s at least in part due to the adoption of these two mottos.

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The reason this all came up, BTW, is these have now officially gone on the “the list” of tattoo ideas, so I’ve been thinking about it more now than usual.

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Can’t Remember That Girl I Used to Be

February 3, 2011 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged ,

It’s an odd thing when you change your life.

I was looking at the wedding pictures and it got me thinking…  I really, truly, for the first time…  Do not remember how it felt to be that fat girl I used to be.

When I woke up on whatever day that was back in May, 2001…  Fatness had pretty much been a defining characteristic of my entire life.

I was a fat kid, a fat teen, fat adult.

So yeah… it was ingrained.

But it was also the feeling of the body I was living in. The way I moved.  The way I knew how long I could bend over before I had to come up for a breath. The way I plotted a course through a room based on what I could squeeze by.

After I lost that weight… it was still there in my head.

I still felt like the same old person.  I still tended to make sure a passageway could hold the old me before I walked through.  The feelings were not different.

It was, literally, 7 or 8 years before I could even think of myself as “not fat” without having to do a double take to check to make sure it was true.

Maybe the ten year mark is what did it, or maybe it was the tummy tuck that changed things, or maybe it’s that in the last year or so I have really been working on being FIT… not just “not fat”.

But looking at those wedding pictures… for the first time, I honestly can’t remember the feeling of taking up that much space.  I can’t remember how living in that body felt.  When I think of “me”… I think of this me, not that me.  And that’s a very recent thing.

It’s just weird, after so long, I thought I’d always be that girl in my head… and then I turned around one day after not thinking about it for a while, and she’s gone.

It’s kinda like looking at a picture of someone else, when I know that it’s really me.

Very strange.

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“Perfect” – Well, no…

January 26, 2011 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged ,

I have mentioned (I assume) that I have begun doing yoga.

Things I love about yoga…  building strength and flexibility without pounding workouts…  calm, relaxed environment, the non-competitiveness of it – you only do what you are capable of doing.

Things I don’t love about yoga…  the frou frou “bonding with the universe” stuff.

But… it’s OK, I can deal with it.  It’s not that I find it offensive, just a little silly.

So in yesterday’s yoga class, which was deep stretch, we were holding a pose for a long time, which, if you have ever done it, you understand can provide quite a lot of sensation (pain!) after a while.  And the teacher was talking, as she is wont to do, and telling us to let the thoughts and feelings in and let them go, etc.  Which, I think is good advice in general for things… people should let go of more stuff, in my opinion.

But then she said something about all the negative thoughts that we build up over time and how (I’m paraphrasing here) we all need to come to the realization that we are all perfect exactly as we are.

That one kind of stuck in my brain… and I started noodling it around (because I’m not really good at the whole “empty your mind” thing).  And I realized that “Perfect the way you are” is exactly what I DO NOT want to be thinking.

I am not in any way shape or form “perfect”.

As someone who does not believe in a life after death scenario, I think that I have only one shot on this earth… one trip through to make it right.

As such, I am constantly trying to better myself.  Be more loving, accepting, patient, calm, wise, healthy, etc.   When I cash in my chips, I hope that I will feel good about the person that I have been during my time on this planet.

So to be telling everyone that they are “perfect just the way they are”…  well… no.

People are full of anger, and hatred and bile and are self absorbed and selfish.  (no, not all people)…  Those people are not perfect…  they need work!

I have all those traits too… I work a lot on trying to keep their expression to a minimum.

So I was thinking about what it really means to be “perfect just the way you are” and I think a much better way to express that sentiment is that everyone is worthy…

I am worthy of being a better person.  I am worthy of trying my best to resist anger and hatred.  I am worthy of taking care of my body and health in the best fashion I know how.  I am, simply by the act of my existence, worthy of the effort.

Every human being… no matter how vile they might seem… is worthy of the chance to become better than they are.

It makes me sad when people say they are worthless or useless.  Because they are not.  No one is.  IF they feel like they are not living up to their potential, well that’s the time when they are MOST WORTHY of making the effort to be what they want to be!

I have done the self-loathing thing.  I have had low self esteem.  I have been miserable and sure that I was worth nothing and no one could ever love me – especially I could not love myself!

I’m not sure exactly when that turned around… but I have to be honest… it’s been YEARS since I have thought bad things about myself.  I mean, sure, I acknowledge that I could always be better… but that doesn’t make the place I am in now bad.

And this, my friends, is what happens when you sit for five minutes holding on to your feet with your face pressed into your knees.  All this stuff comes up… and sometimes, it’s good!

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Blog Activism Burnout

November 10, 2010 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged

So for a long time now I have been immersed in the “Body acceptance” blog-o-sphere.  I was subscribed to blog feeds and news feeds and read all this stuff every day.  I was a contributor to a group blog that talked about fat and fat issues in this country.I had another blog where I talked a lot about weight topics, etc. I spent a lot of time reading and writing about these things.

And I quit.

I dumped the feeds.  I resigned from the group blog.  I set that other blog to private.

I just couldn’t take it any more.

Day after day of horrifying stories of how we supposedly civilized people treat each other just based solely on physical appearance.

Did it make me feel outraged and want to change things?  Well… yes… but.

I’ve seen how slowly change happens.  Social Justice is hard, hard work.  So mostly, instead of outrage, I ended up feeling fear.  Fear and worry about how I can try to keep those things from happening to me. Yeah… don’t get mad at the system… figure out how you can conform to the system to keep from being mocked and humiliated.  Way to go, social activist!

Plus, that’s a lot of reading… all those blogs.  I got to the point where I was barely reading any blogs at all.. mostly skimming, hardly ever commenting.  Kinda defeats the whole purpose of blogging.

So, as I said, I quit.

Dumped the feeds.

Went back to just my original core blogs.  Hey – I’ve even managed to have time to comment here and there this week!

So, yeah, fine… maybe I’ll never be a “good activist”, but sometimes you just gotta pick your battles, and maybe I’m just not cut our for battling.

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I’ll Probably Regret This. Or Not.

May 27, 2010 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , , ,

I was reading a little news puff piece today about the new Guinness World Record MOST TATTOOED LADY record holder.

Now, most of the time I do have a strict “OH MY GOD! DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS” policy toward comments on internet news stories.  But today the comments were RIGHT THERE and the first were unavoidable.  So want to guess what the almost-first one was?

Yeah – “She’s going to regret that when she’s old”

Sigh.

I wonder how my life would be if every decision I made was predicated on whether I would regret it when I was old?

Would I have had children?  What If I regret not having them when I’m old?  But wait!  What if they are ungrateful little bastards and I regret having them instead?

What if when I am old I regret working so much?  Should I quit my job now?

When I am old, I might regret where I live.  Maybe I should just sell my house now and move – but to where?  What if I might regret it?

I think I prefer to just live my life in the moment and decide what it is the me I am now wants and just hope that the old lady I become is a cool old lady who understands that life is (or was) what you make it.

Besides… there’s no guarantee of getting old… and living a life I regret now and dying without ever doing anything I “might regret” – well, that would be something to regret.

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What Not To Wear!

November 28, 2009 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged , ,

Watching this episode of What Not To Wear…

They’ve got this woman on there.  She’s lost quite a bit of weight just very recently, and is still losing weight, and they seem all surprised and shocked that she can’t shop because in her head she’s still the size she was and is trying to wear things that are for that old body.

This, to me, is not a surprise.  It took me, seriously, YEARS, before the person in my head started to match the body I was wearing.  It takes time.  Heck – right up until 2008 I still would buy things in XL because that’s “the size I wear”.  That’s not true… this year I finally figured out that in something like a tshirt I wear men’s small.  I should be wearing size medium shirts and sweaters.  My pants are, even now, mostly too big for me.

It’s something that I am finally  pretty much reconciled to… and I think the tummy tuck is the final step in this.  But, seriously… that’s SEVEN YEARS between when I lost the first giant chunk of weight, and FINALLY coming to terms with myself as I am now and pretty much mostly thinking of myself in terms of the body I am carrying around now rather than the one I had my whole life up until age 28.

And on the show, they are all like… “Why can’t you see yourself as you really are?”  Ha!  Takes a little more than a couple of stylists and some new togs.

Or maybe I’m just jealous because I’d like to be on the show myself!!

 

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Don’t Wanna

August 20, 2009 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged

Feeling very unsettled lately, questing, like…  is this it?  All there is?  Do we live each day like this, just trying to get by until the next one?

Is Corporate America worth it?  But what else is there?  I cannot go a-goat farming in Montana.  I do not think I would make an adequate gypsy.  I do not think I could pay the mortgage working in a coffee shop or a book store.

I have many good things in my life.  Blessings all to be counted.  But so many hours each day spent at work, and what am I really doing?

Blah – all this introspection and soul searching.  I just need to go to practice tonight and hit someone.

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Fat Acceptance

August 13, 2009 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged ,

I find it interesting that now, when I currently weigh less than I have since I was, I’m guessing, 9 or 10, that I managed to literally stumble into the world of “Fat Acceptance”.

I have gotten something of a revelatory education about some bedrock assumpions I’d had about weight and health and how the media drives so many incorrect theories into the public mind as though it were “truth”.

I don’t know why I would find this revelatory…  I know how sensationalized everything in the media today is, and how they look for “the angle” in every story from serious things like global arms treaties all the way down to surfing squirrels…  but it just never occured to me to question all the “obesity epidemic” stories, or see how they are used as another wedge to drive schisms into public thinking.

FA also has quite a feminist angle to it… although it’s not all about women…  but women do seem to be someone more targeted by the beauty industry, and it’s really made me realize how we, as a country, seem to take it for granted that women’s bodies are somehow a subject to be judged and found wanting, all in the name of selling us something to make us feel better about the thing they are making us feel bad about (gah – the circles within circles!).  I never really “identified” myself as a “feminist”, but I am starting to rethink that position a bit.

It’s all given me quite a bit to think about, and I’ll probably start posting more things here about body image and acceptance, etc.  It’s MUCH easier to embrace FA as “that’s fine for you, but not for me”.   Accepting myself for what I am is something that needs to be reinforced each and every day… because each and every day I (and the rest of the country) get messages from various sources that say I am NOT good just the way I am.  And as much as I try to discard those messages…. well… I’m only human.

Self Acceptance is such a cliche’d kind of thing, that blogging about it seems a little, um, I dunno – overdone?  But hey… it’s my blog, and I guess I can use it for anything I like.

So here are some things I am going to be working on…

- Loving the body that I am living in today and treating it properly (with a little Derby abuse here and there :)

- Looking at the body I used to have and realizing that it, too, was a perfectly acceptable body and I should dump the shame and self-hate that I carried around about it and embrace that person that I was then as well.

- Realizing that as I get older, my body is going to continue to change and may do so in ways that society looks down on…  and being OK with that, because “society” tends to be a big, judgemental bitch, and is something I ought to not care about.

There’s other stuff I need to think about and ponder, but that’s enough for now, I think.

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My Brain is Tired

August 6, 2009 · Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged

Going through a kind of sucky, boring time at work right now.

Feeling very much like retirement can’t come soon enough.

Hey!  Only 20 years to go!

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