No Celery Please – NYC Edition!

The Rules

Posted in Uncategorized by noceleryplease on September 20, 2007

OK, I’ve been all tagged and whatnot by Miss Cravey (She’s in NC, so I have to call her “Miss”).

So here, in no particular order, are some of my rules for living.

I have been specifically told to leave off the celery one, which, apparently, is pretty obvious already.

1 – (stolen from Cravey) – Please do not touch me. Are you married to me? Are you related to me (fairly closely)? No? Then hands off. No, I do not need a hug… No, I do not need a pat on the back for a job well done. Nothing, thanks. I am fine. Got it? No Touchy.

2 – Please do not call me. I hate the phone. Just email me. It will get your point across without wasting valuable minutes with inane chatter about nothing.

3 – Please do not make a fuss. I detest fuss. I do not care that it is my birthday (unless you are the SB, and then I had better have a poem coming). I do not care if I have just passed a wonderfully significant anniversary. Do not sing to me. For the love of god… do not get a group together to sing to me. Please do not buy me a present unless we have known each other long enough for you to have become exempt from rule one. No Fuss! Among the many reasons that I will never have children is my absolute horror of the concept of “showers”. I had to have one for my wedding… I almost gnawed my arm off to escape.

4 – If you don’t know what a word means. If you don’t know how to pronounce a word. If you don’t know how to spell a word in written situations. DO NOT USE IT! It just makes you look like a dumbass, you know.

5 – I know that things happen to kids to make them cry. Heck, I even know that sometimes kids just decide to cry for no apparent reason. Sometimes, they like to screech and make loud noises. This is fine. For 2 to 3 minutes. Maybe 5. If you can’t pacify that kid within that time. Please take them somewhere else, I am trying to enjoy a meal here. I wouldn’t try to engage your kid in a discussion of current events or philosophy while they are hanging out a Chucky Cheese. I don’t need to hear them scream at an adult restaurant.

6 – When the lane is ending. Get in the damned line. If you drive by the entire line and get up to the front and turn on that turn signal. I WILL NOT LET YOU IN.

7 – Do not pet my dog without warning. I know she’s cute. She’s also skittish. Do not let your kid run up and pet my dog. I know she’s cute. She’s also afraid (with good reason) of tiny, dirty, pokey fingers. I do not want anyone to get bitten. Just don’t pet my dog without asking. Then, when I tell you she is afraid of people and doesn’t really like to be petted (she has a no touchy rule too), do not scoff and say that all dogs like you and try to pet her anyway.

8 – For the love of god… stop leaving food in the break room. It’s either torture to avoid it, or guilt for eating it.

9 -Please, oh please. Unlace your shoes before you get to the security checkpoint. Take your laptop out of your bag, take out your liquids bag (properly packed and sized) and put all your metal in the bowl. (No, I meant ALL your metal… yes, that thing too). We will all get through much faster. Thanks.

10 – Do NOT try to take the last bite of my dessert. You are more than welcome to a bite (a small bite) if half the original dessert is still on the plate. You are grudgingly welcome to a bite if 1/4 of the original dessert is still on the plate. Anything less than that? You try to take it and you’re coming back with a bloody stump. I’m just saying…

11 – If I am far enough away that I am going to have to hurry up or break into a little jog to get to the door you are so graciously holding. Please just let the damn thing go. I don’t need you t o hold the door, and now you are making me hurry, which is really just annoying. So now you have annoyed me by holding the door. Here’s my rule. If the door has time to shut before the next person gets to it, then you are not required to hold the door.

I have lots more rules, but it’s kind of hard to actually think of them until someone breaks one. Then – Lookout!

Seriously, I mean it, look out… you have to look hard too, because I avoid confrontation like the plague and will most likely just put up with whatever you are doing that pisses me off so much and push the anger down into a tight little ball inside.

You might get a little passive aggressive revenge (oh – were you running for that elevator?) if something you did was particularly heinous.

Mostly, I will just smile and act as if nothing is wrong. (Yes, I will, in fact even give you the last bite of dessert – but in my head I will be severing limbs!) I expect that I will explode when I am 40 or so and just completely go off on some poor schlub who makes a minor transgression at the wrong time.

Hmmm, now, normally I am not a tagger, but I surely would like to hear what Kaply and The Raspberry Queen have to say on this subject. Actually, I would like to hear from quite a few of my dear and loyal readers, but I think there’s some kind of rule about tagging too many people.


9 Responses to 'The Rules'

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  1. wordnerd said,

    Oh, man, these coulda been my rules!!! ^5!!!

  2. ~**Dawn**~ said,

    You tapped into my head to write this list, didn’t you…

  3. roo said,

    seems jen’s people are uh…jen’s people for a reason. πŸ™‚
    my dog is 80 lbs. people don’t so much run up to him…they could as he’s mostly just shy, but he’s had a hard go of it until now, and I am protective. that would piss me off too.
    uh, and i never learned how to make a ball of um, piss…
    no that can’t be right.
    im not so passive about my aggression.
    that’s better.

  4. Tracy Kaply said,

    Dude, now I’ve got meme all over ME!

  5. said,

    I want to do this one! But it won’t appear until next week because tomorrow….well, make sure to come by tomorrow (Friday) and check it out! πŸ˜‰

  6. Dani said,

    Vive la meme! Or le meme. Or…oh whatever. The dishes are done man, and so is my meme.

  7. tiff said,

    Alla dems are mine.

    Holy crow, yes.

  8. rennratt said,

    If you are RELATED to me, you are allowed to touch me.

    If we work together – or have just met, we can shake hands. This will always begin and end with germ gel.*


    (*I have no immune system…)

  9. Cravey said,

    I knew your rules would rock.
    And I was right..
    I loves the elevator door one the mostest.

    And living in NC I should probably throw in a ‘bless your heart’

    Happy weekend NCP.

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