No Celery Please – NYC Edition!


Beware the Mist!

Posted in Uncategorized by noceleryplease on April 10, 2008

We watched “The Mist” last night.

It certainly wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and I thought they went with rather a bold choice of ending, but it’s nothing I feel like I could, in good conscience, recommend to anyone else.

The main trouble with it, and with many modern horror movies, is that they are set in modern times, with modern assumptions, but at all times every person in the movie acts like they HAVE NEVER SEEN A HORROR MOVIE!!!

It drives me crazy that people, even fictional people, can be so STOOOOOOOPID.

So, here, in case you ever find yourself dropped down in the middle of the apocalypse, are my rules for survival when the shit hits the fan.

  1. If there is shit killing people outside, do not go outside.
  2. If other people want to go outside, do not try to keep them inside – they are only going to eat food you could use to survive.
  3. If other people start to go outside and then are grabbed by something… do not try to hold on to their legs or arms and pull them back into the building.  Either you are going to get pulled out and eaten along with them, or you are going to end up in possession of a bloody half-body while the thing outside is still hungry because it only got to eat the other half.
  4. If someone starts preaching that whatever is going on is the Wrath of God… start thinking about how you might survive going outside and get to some less “wrathy” place, because that crazy MF is going to start up with the human sacrifice in a day or two.
  5. If you ever… EVER… see anyone wrapped up in a cocoon.  For the love of Pete -RUN AWAY!  You cannot save this person.  It is too late for them.  Even if they say “help me” – ignore them -they are already full of monster eggs and if you stick around to cut them free you will be the next one in a cocoon all filled up with monster eggs.
  6. If you are in a restaurant, grocery store, or other public facility that has a cooler – USE IT… do not sit around in a room full of windows when you can hide in a big metal closet!
  7. Never decide to kill yourself until the last possible moment when it is obvious no rescue is going to come.  Rescue will ALWAYS show up right after you put a bullet in your head.
  8. If there are not weird monsters killing people outside, and it’s just a regular – run of the mill apocalypse, run.  Run away.  Get as far from population centers as you can.  Go to the mountains.  Find a cave.  Eat moss until you figure out how to kill squirrels for sustenance.  People are going to get crazy, and if you are slow, they will catch you and eat you.
  9. Also – take all your kitchen knives with you when you go.  Put the biggest one on the end of a mop handle with tape.  When the monsters come (or the crazy cannibals), you want to be able to poke them with pointy objects from a reasonable distance.

 

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10 Responses to 'Beware the Mist!'

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  1. Ron said,

    ROFLMAO!!! Way to go on creating this list! All of this I have yelled at a TV Screen at one point or another. Usually after a while of having them break these rules I decide they deserve to be eaten my the cannibals and start cheering for the monster 🙂

  2. tiff said,

    Also,

    TUN ON THE EFFING LIGHTS when you enter a room. For Pete’s sake, people!

    LOVE the list. Most excellent.

  3. Deborah said,

    Wonderful “What to / not to Do List”

  4. renn said,

    This is brilliant!

  5. Al said,

    Great list!

    NEWS FLASH! PSYCHOTIC KILLER STALKS LOCAL RESIDENTS!

    What was that noise?! I think it’s coming from the basement. I think I’ll go down there and check it out, armed with nothing but a flashlight.

    Darwins law.

    QED

  6. Roo said,

    in case of a monster invasion… I’m looking you up!

  7. Tracy Lynn said,

    I’m pretty sure that my entire post today will consist of a link to this. And not because I’m lazy, either.

  8. db grin said,

    ditto the above. I lol’d.

    Of course, you’d make for a boring monster movie star with all the wisdom and surviving and stuff. The interesting bits all come from stupidity of soon-to-be victims.

  9. Brenda Love said,

    Also, if you are in a place where weird stuff is going on , DO NOT HAVE SEX. As soon as you get naked and the camera gets a few gratuitous boob shots, you’ll be next.

  10. Amy said,

    This is hysterical!! I’m so glad I’ll have this wisdom just in case my whole Christian view on life is wrong and monsters are really going to come and destroy the planet!!


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