Beware the Mist!
We watched “The Mist” last night.
It certainly wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, and I thought they went with rather a bold choice of ending, but it’s nothing I feel like I could, in good conscience, recommend to anyone else.
The main trouble with it, and with many modern horror movies, is that they are set in modern times, with modern assumptions, but at all times every person in the movie acts like they HAVE NEVER SEEN A HORROR MOVIE!!!
It drives me crazy that people, even fictional people, can be so STOOOOOOOPID.
So, here, in case you ever find yourself dropped down in the middle of the apocalypse, are my rules for survival when the shit hits the fan.
- If there is shit killing people outside, do not go outside.
- If other people want to go outside, do not try to keep them inside – they are only going to eat food you could use to survive.
- If other people start to go outside and then are grabbed by something… do not try to hold on to their legs or arms and pull them back into the building. Either you are going to get pulled out and eaten along with them, or you are going to end up in possession of a bloody half-body while the thing outside is still hungry because it only got to eat the other half.
- If someone starts preaching that whatever is going on is the Wrath of God… start thinking about how you might survive going outside and get to some less “wrathy” place, because that crazy MF is going to start up with the human sacrifice in a day or two.
- If you ever… EVER… see anyone wrapped up in a cocoon. For the love of Pete -RUN AWAY! You cannot save this person. It is too late for them. Even if they say “help me” – ignore them -they are already full of monster eggs and if you stick around to cut them free you will be the next one in a cocoon all filled up with monster eggs.
- If you are in a restaurant, grocery store, or other public facility that has a cooler – USE IT… do not sit around in a room full of windows when you can hide in a big metal closet!
- Never decide to kill yourself until the last possible moment when it is obvious no rescue is going to come. Rescue will ALWAYS show up right after you put a bullet in your head.
- If there are not weird monsters killing people outside, and it’s just a regular – run of the mill apocalypse, run. Run away. Get as far from population centers as you can. Go to the mountains. Find a cave. Eat moss until you figure out how to kill squirrels for sustenance. People are going to get crazy, and if you are slow, they will catch you and eat you.
- Also – take all your kitchen knives with you when you go. Put the biggest one on the end of a mop handle with tape. When the monsters come (or the crazy cannibals), you want to be able to poke them with pointy objects from a reasonable distance.