No Celery Please – NYC Edition!

Dear NSA / CIA / FBI / Military Industrial Complex / Executive Branch

Posted in Uncategorized by noceleryplease on September 28, 2009

To my dear friends in the vast, shadowy, netherworld that is black ops intelligence for the United States.

I read a lot of science fiction.  As you know, you guys don’t often come off in the best light in these stories.

Now, I understand that every story needs either a villain or an incompetent bumbling foil to keep things moving along, But I would just like you to know, that if any of the following is actually true, I sincerely appreciate you keeping the bleating masses of the US public (including me!) in the dark about it:

  • Alien ships hovering overhead threatening to blow up our planet.
  • Creeping infections that turn people into zombies/psychopaths/crazed killers, or just horrible creeping infections in general that are going to spread like wildfire through an isolated community causing people to drop dead in seconds.
  • Parasites that will attach themselves to my brain stem and turn me into an automaton for their bidding.
  • Vampires sucking the life out of small towns and leaving them blighted for all eternity.
  • Pretty much any non-human life-force bent on either the domination or destruction of life as we know it.
  • Giant undersea monsters preying on oil tankers as they hunt the shipping lanes of the world
  • Also – if you can – any asteroids that might be threatening to crush the planet.

There is nothing I can do about any of these and, frankly, if my brain is about to get sucked out of my skull by a huge alien bug, I’d just as well have it come as a surprise to me at the very last second than sit around for weeks stewing about it and worrying before finally succumbing to the blissful nothingness that I imagine goes along with having one’s consciousness sucked away by a space bug.

I would write to you in person, but, as I DO read a lot of science fiction, I have a vastly inflated opinion of the capabilities of the shadowy netherworld of blackops intelligence agencies, and so I am sure that by putting those acronyms in the title of this blog, someone from those agencies will be along almost at the second I post this to check on what I might be saying about them.

So…  to recap… insofar as I have never heard any news of impending alien / zombie / parasitical / pathogenic / asteroid doom, and additionally, have not yet actively MET my doom through any of the aforementioned vectors (not to say NOBODY has, because SOMEONE has to be patient zero) I will say GOOD JOB shadowy netherworld of black ops intelligence agencies*!  Good job and keep up the covert protection of the crazed citizenry of these United States (because you KNOW if you let this stuff leak, we are all going batshit and looting the HELL out of our local WalMarts).


*it occurs to me that I should have just gone ahead and put “SNOBOIA” as a new acronym at the top of this post, but I didn’t really realize how many times I would be saying “shadowy netherworld of black ops intelligence agencies” in this thing


One Response to 'Dear NSA / CIA / FBI / Military Industrial Complex / Executive Branch'

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  1. Rachel said,

    *snicker* I laughed and laughed, and then I nodded my head in agreement. Hear hear! Thank you all, black ops shadowy underworld of american intelligence!

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