First World Pity Party
So yesterday was a bad brain day.
I have read some studies and info that people with metabolic issues similar to mine (i.e. – do better on lower carb / ketosis like food intake) can also have endocrine and mental state issues with dopamine that are exacerbated by carb intake.
Now – I have no idea if that’s true or what… but I will say this.
Yesterday, following the carb-fest that was Saturday, was the worst “bad brain” stupid pity party day I have had in a looooooooooooooooooooooong time.
Now – it could be that my disordered eating tendencies were just reacting with guilt to the Saturday binge. Or – it could be that all those carbs were, in fact, hitting my endocrine system and pumping a little extra crazy into the system.
All I know is that yesterday was a full on pity party for the worst possible “first world” problems EVER.
Honestly, even as I was wallowing, I was disgusted with myself over my own thoughts and feelings.
(as an aside – I think this ability of mine to see my own behavior and recognize the crazy is actually what keeps me realtively sane).
Anyway – so this was yesterday…
Slept until 8am – “Oh my god, you are so lazy and stupid. Get up! get up! you have to work out. Do you remember what you ate yesterday?????” Do you!? GET UP AND WORK OUT YOU LAZY WORTHLESS SLOB!”
Working out – “You need to do more than this. You ate too much yesterday. Work harder! work harder”
Not working harder because, let’s face it, physically uncomfortable with a really full GI tract from yesterday… This is where the spiral of bad brain kicks in.
“Oh my god, you are so useless and stupid. Everyone hates you. You have no friends. People only hang out with you because you “help” them with money / advice / whatever you give them, etc… nobody appreciates you. Nobody thinks you are good for anything or at anything. No wonder nobody cared when you got a promotion… nobody cares about you at all… nobody loves you… the only thing anyone would miss about you if you were dead is your money / car / gifts…”
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Now – let me be clear. Even as the negative brain squirrel was scampering around in my head… I KNEW none of those things was true.
But my go-to depression thoughts are ALWAYS: 1) “You are a fat, lazy, worthless slob” and 2) “The only reason anyone ever pretends to love you is because they rely on you for money / goods / services”
That is my crazy.
And it hung out with me pretty much all day yesterday.
It WAS better once the SB got up… because I was able to get a hug and the “Clueless Morgan” treatment… Which, DAMN, I wish I could find a clip of it online – but Clueless Morgan in Muppet Treasure Island gives Long John Silver “the black spot” , then afterwards is trying to make up to him and the script is as follows:
Oh, oh, you are a good man. You are a kind man. A handsome man. (from others) Precious. Oh, he's-- You're precious a-and-- (from others) - Beautiful. And he's beautiful. Oh.
And so on.
But it was a really pathetic full on pity party and today (whether it was time, or getting all that carb-induced insulin / dopamine nonsense out of my system) I am feeling MUCH better and can look at it and say…
“My GOD, woman… your life is fabulous! Stop you’re pathetic whinging!”
It’s not worth it to me to purposely do another carb binge to find out if this was chemically induced. But I WILL say this… um – I think that no matter how good the two words “Cake Party” sound together, I think I am going to try my best to not go to anything like that ever again 🙂