Kinda been stewing in my own juices lately.
Not in a “mad” way like that implies.
Maybe I should say… kinda been soaking in a tub of my own dirty water lately.
Is that better?
Anyway. Tired of it.
Adult responsibilities – bah… weight obsession – bah… asceticism – bah… depression – bah… politics – bah… activists – bah… feeling guilty for freakin’ un-joining a freakin’ gym – bah… caring what persons a,b, and c might think of me – bah…
New outlook needed:
Fun – yay… Fun – yay… Fun – yay…
We’ll see how flipping this switch goes. But it might be a while before I come back here. The blog has been drawing out the maudlin.
So last weekend I decided that I was not capable of living low carb the rest of my life, so I decided to go ahead and add them back in.
But over the last week while I did add them back, it was in the form of oats, and a few more veggies, and not much else, really.
Today I went and had pad thai. Yeah… A great big plate of refined white carbs in sugar sauce.
I forgot. I can eat about 20 pounds of starchy white carb sugary stuff like that and STILL want to keep stuffing things in my face. Bah!
I guess I’ll be overdoing it today unless I can somehow exert some willpower and stop it.
Guess I better make sure I stick to the “no white carbs” advice at least.
I have to learn lessons over and over and over. I wish the lessons did not taste so damn good.
We’ll see if I just have to go back to low carb or if I can manage with the slower digesting whole grains.
I was seriously light headed when I finished that plate of noodles, but then the cravings kicked in and I had some o the rice pudding my mom had on the stove… And tea… And then some ice cream… And a cookie at the store.
And I STILL “feel” hungry.
On Saturday it seemed like such a good decision to quit low-carbing.
Currently sitting at 134.4… that’s 3.5 pounds of, what? Probably mostly water.
My rings are too tight.
Is this worth it? Is having oatmeal for breakfast and not having to be afraid of the tiniest morsel of cake worth it?
I’m going to give it a bit of time to settle down. Maybe this is just a body freak-out phase.
Gah! Why can’t we just photosynthesize?
I’m getting some books on low-glycemic index. At least if I am going to eat carbs I should still look out for how it impacts the energy burning process.
I have no idea what I mean by that. Except I feel like I am anything but “floaty” right now.
Carbs. God how I love them. I give up. I can’t live low carb my entire life. Not sustainable.
But here’s what they do to me…
Friday morning. Weight = 131.
Saturday… went to a baby shower. Had a TINY piece of cake. seriously, like the smallest piece ever.
Trigger… Triggeriest trigger to ever trigger a trigger.
Went to game night at a friend’s house that night.
Tried to stick with veggies and spinach dip.
Fail. Hummus… pita chips… fritos… six chocolate chip cookies. Carb-o-rama.
Had a serious discussion with myself overnight.
Came to the conclusion that I simply cannot maintain a low carb existence. I know there’s no way I can stay in ketosis forever… and going in and out of it is worse than not being in at all.
SO – fine… I will go back to just trying to keep to a sensible number of calories and not worry about what they are made of. I can do that.
Maybe… if I hadn’t had my niece’s 18th birthday party on Sunday. With mountains of Chinese takeout. And cake… a huge cake. And ice cream… do you know how long it’s been since I allowed myself ice cream?!
So there was that. A lot of that.
And so… Monday morning… weight? 136.6 pounds.
Yup… carbs, you see, have a much different effect on energy use.
Insulin floods the system… and insulin is a storer of fat… it wants to conserve that fat and only burn the immediate carb energy.
And what does insulin need to do that? Water. Lots of water.
So – the difference between low carb and carb-fest? 7 pounds in two days.
Is it all fat? No, no it is not.
But it is all “weight”… that I will carry now… the water bloat might go down a bit… after all – Chinese food… but not much. I will likely keep at least 4 to 5 of those pounds as my “new normal”… and will have to deal with the emotional side effects of that (because I am crazy).
My blood pressure was much lower on low carb (due to the lack of water bloat). It’s probably higher this morning.
I am not going to go carb nuts (yesterday notwithstanding). I am going to eat low on the glycemic index. Try to keep away from the refined carbs. Whole grain, oatmeal, etc.
But I had to take this plunge at some point.
Ironically, it’s just when I was trying to LOSE weight for this trip so I could eat stuff while I was in Europe.
And now I just went ahead and pre-gained 5 pounds.
This should even itself out.
I know it will even itself out.
I have to do something to try and be more like a “normal” person about my food.
But this is going to take some processing.
Oh – I shut off the calorie tracker again… because that was making me even nutser. The attempt to lose weight got in my head and is pretty much what set off the “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO EAT” spiral.
Sheesh. My brain…