I do not have to “be” anything except what I am.
I have always loved this song for that exact reason…
“I don’t want to be
Anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I’m tired of looking ’round rooms
Wondering what I’ve got to do
Or who I’m supposed to be
I don’t want to be anything other than me”
Now – why can’t I remember that all the time?
Kinda been stewing in my own juices lately.
Not in a “mad” way like that implies.
Maybe I should say… kinda been soaking in a tub of my own dirty water lately.
Is that better?
Anyway. Tired of it.
Adult responsibilities – bah… weight obsession – bah… asceticism – bah… depression – bah… politics – bah… activists – bah… feeling guilty for freakin’ un-joining a freakin’ gym – bah… caring what persons a,b, and c might think of me – bah…
New outlook needed:
Fun – yay… Fun – yay… Fun – yay…
We’ll see how flipping this switch goes. But it might be a while before I come back here. The blog has been drawing out the maudlin.
I do go through bouts of depression. (See = yesterday).
But I am so lucky that they tend to be short lived and relatively mild.
I know people who live their entire lives feeling the way I felt yesterday. It’s terrible and awful and debilitating. I do not understand how they manage.
I also don’t quite understand the reluctance to want to get better, though. The resistance to any kind of professional help. I guess maybe when you are feeling depressed, you also feel like you DESERVE to feel that way.
But when I am depressed, I KNOW it’s just “being depressed”… and at some level I know I don’t want to feel that way. But maybe it’s because I also know that there’s another way to feel, because I am not depressed ALL THE TIME.
I have no answers… Just feel sad for those who cannot wake up after a few days and feel better… 😦
I believe I have mentioned the awesome that is my new workout love… MMA Fight Training.
I am very happy with the gym – http://femalefightersmma.com/.
The coaching / owner and his wife are great people. The girls in the classes are all great and supportive. The training is tough, but not crazy-town. I am enjoying it immensely.
But some people, they cannot be happy when other people are enjoying something.
So on Tuesday, a friend of mine who had bought the same groupon I did came to the class for the first time. And she brought a friend of hers along.
The “friend of hers” trains Jiu Jitsu at a facility about 15 mins further down the highway than where I am going.
When I saw her, I thought it was odd, as she’s pretty dedicated to that school of hers.
By the end of the class, I realized, that she was there to spy on the new place. What’s up with that?
So she came to one class, then went on the groupon site and trashed it in the review section.
Ugh – people! Why do they feel the need to do this?
Her school and this one are totally different.
This one is a) all female, b) MMA, not just Jiu Jitsu, and C) in a different geographic location, pulling a different type of student.
The coach makes no claims to being a super kung fu master. This is “Beginner up to intermediate” training. Not “you’ll be a bad-ass black belt in a year” stuff.
But this chick, yeah, I could have figured her for it… and whatever… what is it the hip kids say today? “Haters gonna hate”…
It makes me a little sad, though, that the other lady, who is supposed to be my friend, decided to go along with it. Her husband trains at the same school… and when she bought the Groupon, he convinced her to start taking classes with him instead, which, hey, no skin off my nose… but to then decide that you need to come up and see what other people are doing and trash it because it’s not what you are doing? Not cool.
Anyway – it’s not like the negative review in the SEA of positive ones is really that big a deal… and this lady is not like my BESTIE or anything.
It’s just minorly annoying that people feel the need to be so petty when there’s NO NEED.
THIS NEW THING IS NOT HURTING YOUR THING IN ANY WAY!
Sometimes I think about my younger self and what I used to be like.
I spent so much time burying myself in food and hating anything even approximating exercise.
Now… I am a different person.
I pay more attention to what / how I eat.
More importantly (to me) is that I also really love working out.
Not just working out… But full contact, ass kicking, bad-ass working out.
Thing is, though… I am not a young thing anymore.
This is not me whining about being “old” or anything. I love my life more every year. I am not wishing for youth.
But… It makes me a little sad that I am past the point where I can participate in activities at a “competitive” level.
I see these AWESOME girls fighting MMA. And I know that while I certainly can participate at some level… I am beyond the point where I could physically hack it in any serious way.
For the most part, I am cool with that.
But I have sort of a wistful feeling about it… Like wishing your parents had made you stick with those piano lessons.
I think… Gee… If only I hadn’t spent the first 27 years of my life as a “couch potato”… I wonder what I might be capable of now?
If I hadn’t weakened my knees over 27 years… Would I be better now? Harder? Faster? Stronger?
Ah well. Everyone is built of their life experiences, and I would not trade the person I am now, or my life the way it is.
Just sometimes I guess we must all think about “what might have been”…
So yesterday was a bad brain day.
I have read some studies and info that people with metabolic issues similar to mine (i.e. – do better on lower carb / ketosis like food intake) can also have endocrine and mental state issues with dopamine that are exacerbated by carb intake.
Now – I have no idea if that’s true or what… but I will say this.
Yesterday, following the carb-fest that was Saturday, was the worst “bad brain” stupid pity party day I have had in a looooooooooooooooooooooong time.
Now – it could be that my disordered eating tendencies were just reacting with guilt to the Saturday binge. Or – it could be that all those carbs were, in fact, hitting my endocrine system and pumping a little extra crazy into the system.
All I know is that yesterday was a full on pity party for the worst possible “first world” problems EVER.
Honestly, even as I was wallowing, I was disgusted with myself over my own thoughts and feelings.
(as an aside – I think this ability of mine to see my own behavior and recognize the crazy is actually what keeps me realtively sane).
Anyway – so this was yesterday…
Slept until 8am – “Oh my god, you are so lazy and stupid. Get up! get up! you have to work out. Do you remember what you ate yesterday?????” Do you!? GET UP AND WORK OUT YOU LAZY WORTHLESS SLOB!”
Working out – “You need to do more than this. You ate too much yesterday. Work harder! work harder”
Not working harder because, let’s face it, physically uncomfortable with a really full GI tract from yesterday… This is where the spiral of bad brain kicks in.
“Oh my god, you are so useless and stupid. Everyone hates you. You have no friends. People only hang out with you because you “help” them with money / advice / whatever you give them, etc… nobody appreciates you. Nobody thinks you are good for anything or at anything. No wonder nobody cared when you got a promotion… nobody cares about you at all… nobody loves you… the only thing anyone would miss about you if you were dead is your money / car / gifts…”
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Now – let me be clear. Even as the negative brain squirrel was scampering around in my head… I KNEW none of those things was true.
But my go-to depression thoughts are ALWAYS: 1) “You are a fat, lazy, worthless slob” and 2) “The only reason anyone ever pretends to love you is because they rely on you for money / goods / services”
That is my crazy.
And it hung out with me pretty much all day yesterday.
It WAS better once the SB got up… because I was able to get a hug and the “Clueless Morgan” treatment… Which, DAMN, I wish I could find a clip of it online – but Clueless Morgan in Muppet Treasure Island gives Long John Silver “the black spot” , then afterwards is trying to make up to him and the script is as follows:
Oh, oh, you are a good man. You are a kind man. A handsome man. (from others) Precious. Oh, he's-- You're precious a-and-- (from others) - Beautiful. And he's beautiful. Oh.
And so on.
But it was a really pathetic full on pity party and today (whether it was time, or getting all that carb-induced insulin / dopamine nonsense out of my system) I am feeling MUCH better and can look at it and say…
“My GOD, woman… your life is fabulous! Stop you’re pathetic whinging!”
It’s not worth it to me to purposely do another carb binge to find out if this was chemically induced. But I WILL say this… um – I think that no matter how good the two words “Cake Party” sound together, I think I am going to try my best to not go to anything like that ever again 🙂
So oddly, I have noticed something in the past year or so…
When I look at pictures of me, I actually like them.
There was a time in my life… a loooooong time… when I simply could not take a compliment without insulting something about me.
If the SB said something about me being pretty, I would smile, but in my head, I would know he didn’t mean it… or that he meant, I was pretty to him, because he loved me.
But over the past few years, as I have gotten older and more comfortable in my own skin, I really have started to think… “Hey, there… I am one cute chickie!”
I am not some stereotypical hottie. And I don’t need to be. I like this face the way it is. And yeah, I have some not so perfect things… but you know what that makes me? Not “ugly”, which is how I used to think. It makes me “human”… an actual person who has gone through life and has some wear and tear to show for it.
But that’s OK… we are ALL OF US human.
I also notice that I have become far more cognizant of other people also being beautiful.
I look at pictures of normal, every day, not super model women. And so many people are soooo beautiful!
But when they look at themselves, they do not see it.
I think what really strikes me in how I have changed my own thinking is how my sister views herself.
She really is a beautiful woman.
But she hates herself. She looks at even the most lovely picture and sees only the slight wrinkles around her eyes. Only the scar on her chin from a long ago car accident, only how she is DIFFERENT than the pictures of the air brushed models in the magazines.
She is not capable of thinking of herself as pretty.
And I think that’s sad.
And, although it only just occurred to me that my own thinking has changed… I am glad it has. I guess being immersed in all that activism DOES have an impact eventually 🙂
It’s so much nicer to be able to look at a picture and think… “wow! what a nice picture!” and feel happy, than it is to look at a nice picture and think “ugh, my eyes have dark circles… I hate myself”, and be sad.
So many BEAUTIFUL people in the world, and so few of them actually believe it of themselves.
So today is Thanksgiving…
And it’s the day when I am supposed to be thankful for all the things I have.
I have issues with gratefulness.
I KNOW that there are things that I am DAMN LUCKY to have.
A house… A car… A job… A great husband… Loving family… I live in a rich country… I have so many ridiculous blessings!
But although I can certainly enumerate the ways that I am fortunate, this “feeling” of gratitude and thankfulness just eludes me.
If someone gives me a present or something, I get that emotional response … That “heartwarming” feeling…
But I can’t really dig that up for non-special every day type things that are just “the way things are”.
That’s my thought for the day.
I have a bunch of stuff that I SHOULD feel gratitude for… But the best I can dig up is awareness of my good fortune.
So be it.
So here I am in the back of my car… Heading to South Mountains State Park to make a little hike with the SB and his dad. Should be a nice day and a good thing to do on a vacation day. Haven’t been on a good hike in a while because it’s just been too damn hot.
But now that it’s officially official fall… Equinox is past… Days getting shorter… Now it’s time to get the hell back outside!
Outfit is nothing special… Shorts started as pants I got at GW specifically to cut off into shorts.
I love this little jacket… So colorful and cute 🙂
Prolly can’t tell from the pic, but I went ahead and broke down and shaved.
Several factors… I have spent a good deal of time thinking about whether I shave for “me” or for “society”… And I came to the conclusion that at the very least it’s both. I KNOW that there’s a lot of social pressure… But I also think I personally also like the look better when my legs are shaved… So I’ll stop bitching, I guess, about only doing it to stop being made fun of… Because while that IS a significant factor, I gotta cop to the fact that I guess it’s me too.
Now we are almost to the park, so post = done.
Yes, yes, I know that I become utterly obsessed with hinge that catch my interest.
Handily, I am learning valuable lessons about dealing with that.
This weekend’s RIDICULOUS heat slapped a big ol’ dose of reality on my most recent I AM GOING TO BE AN AWESOME OUTDOORSY CAMPING HIKING KAYAKING EARTH LOVING SUPERWOMAN obsession.
I mean, let’s face it… I DO love the woods, and I love the kayaking… And I still plan on trying the backpacking type camping… But the wild fantasies of tossing a sleeping bag in the back of my super awesome off road vehicle and heading out to the wild at the drop of a hat were only ever going to be just that. Because this weekend it was WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BEING OUTSIDE IN 100 DEGREES!!??!!??
At least I know my own crazy 🙂
So this afternoon I was pondering my tendency to go all BANZAI on new interests.
I was thinking… Well… Buddhism is all about detachment and distance from these types of “desire” based thoughts… I wonder if there’s anything there that might help me to do this a little less.
And then I had to laugh… Because knowing me… I would start looking into it and the BECOME TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH DETACHMENT.
Hey! Maybe that’s like one of those Zen paradox things that people ponder to reach enlightenment! Well… I guess that’s done then.
Anyway… I am sure the SB will be grateful to the heat wave once he realizes it short circuited what would usually take weeks to get over.
So the heat did SOME good, anyway!